Parenting teenagers is easy since they already know everything.
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The year is 2157, our world is much like the one in that futuristic movie starring Tom Cruise.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the
waiter: would you like a box
me: how is it prepared
When the lady at the hardware store pointed down and told me my caulk was hanging out, I nearly had a heart attack!
So my drug dealer just died. I’m thinking about going to his funeral to, you know, network.
Wonder what happens when you have a viral tweet, like your phone makes slot machine noises or what
Me: “If Americans say ‘sidewalk’, what do we mean in England?”
My six year old: “Crab!”
Twitter’s new verified account policy says that fictional characters aren’t eligible but all the Muppet accounts still have their blue checkmarks, confirming what I’ve suspected for years.
This is funnier than it should be. 😂
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
my girl’s so sweet she always texts me Disney lyrics when she’s away with our mates like “you’ve got a friend in me”
(Hugging)
Me: you smell good. Is that a new cologne?
Him: No, I dropped turkey gravy on my shirt earlier.
Me: That’s a good smell for you. Maybe try a white peppercorn version next time.
Him:
“Please stop chasing your sisters with tarter sauce,” is something the parenting books didn’t warn me about.
Apparently, if you put a possum in the mailbox, you’ll get a new mailman…
why do dryers have a ‘less dry option?’ which one of you is ordering your socks medium rare
I feel like you just get me. You fill my every need. You go out of your way for me. I tell you I am here and you coming running. It is just kind of perfect, right?
Him: Ma’am I am just bringing your grocery order to your car.
There are two kinds of people, those who put water in the shampoo bottle to get the last bit, and billionaires
While presenting on a work conference call I imagine everyone nude so I don’t feel like the only one.
“Ohhh, that’s what you meant by period sex” I say, removing my powdered wig and waistcoat.
foreign coworker keeps referring to our org chart as our “hierarchy” and it’s making our more socially attuned leaders visibly uncomfortable lmao
me: sorry for speeding officer
cop: you’re parked
me:
cop: in the intersection
me: I can smell your thoughts
cop: *into shoulder mic* Ron I owe ya $20 it’s edibles
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
You know you’re getting old when you have to watch shows that are in English with subtitles
Give a dad a fish and save him a trip to Costco.
Teach a dad to fish and you can throw wild parties while he’s away on fishing weekends.
“no one cares abot ur plan to dig to the center of the earth! the world doesnt revolve around you!” she said.
“IT WILL IF MY PLAN WORKS THO”
Science: Domesticated dogs are most closely related to gray wolves.
My dog: I won’t go outside because it looks damp.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
The moment my toddler figured out how to open a door was a lot like the raptor kitchen scene in Jurassic Park.
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Job requirements these days be like:
Looking to hire a caterpillar. Must have ten years experience as a butterfly.
Incredible customer service.