If ghosts are real, then why aren’t any of them pantsing people
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When a cop talks to you about Miranda, he’s not inviting you for a three-way… I know this now.
our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
‘Two can play that game…’
-people who dont understand that’s how games usually work
a black mirror episode where u text someone and they screenshot it for 27.9m ppl
Timeouts just give children a quiet place to plot your murder.
Every old house is haunted, but some ghosts are just clumsier than others.
As a parent my favourite part of the weekend is Monday.
*goes to watch youtube vid*
BUFFER
well okay *lifts weights*
*checks again*
BUFFER
*does steroids*
BUFFER
“WHAT DO YOU WANT FROM ME”
mom: everyone has to learn to swim
kid: even jesus?
mom: of course
jesus: *sliding across the pool in heelys* lying’s a sin, brenda
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Show me someone who says they’ve traveled to the four corners of the earth and I will show you someone who’s failed geometry and geography.
Todd on Facebook hates being sick.
Really Todd? Most people love it.
Me: guess who I bumped into at the store
My wife: [holding my glasses] everyone
cashier: how’d you like to pay for this
me: not at all
If you add the word “extraordinaire” to your job title you kick up your credibility another notch and earn your colleagues trust and respect without even trying.
And bowling should be called pinball
The internet is cool because you can make a joke about cannibalism being bad and someone will respond with, “Actually, it’s racist NOT to eat people.” And you’re 95% sure he’s just the dumbest person alive but you still have to google for 20 minutes to make sure you’re not racist
i just convinced a tinder boy we had the same number so i didnt have to text him
“These fries are too crispy” – inventor of the microwave
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Oh, you think your kid is cool? My kid just named his new stuffies Ghost and Bones.
CLIENT: remember what i said
HITMAN: yeah make it look like my little brother
CLIENT: huh
HITMAN: an accident
CLIENT:
HITMAN: i do comedy too
CLIENT: are you any good
HITMAN: i always kill
CLIENT:
HITMAN: that was a joke
CLIENT: ah
11: what do you mean I can’t have more sugar today? I only had 2 cinnamon rolls this morning and you had 3.
me: first off – get out of my house.
villagers: we need rain but no rain in months.
me: STEP ASIDE [get’s car washed]
[rain starts immediately]
[gets appointed as a head witch of the village]
My annoying little cousin is bragging about how he sleeps in a race car bed. Whatever, you little idiot.. I sleep in a real car.
midwife: “congratulations keith, you have a baby boy, he’s exactly 7 pounds”
me: [looks at my wife as i pat my pockets] “i didn’t bring any money”
My kids have started saying things to us like “You’re 41 now, you should be able to sit through dinner”. Touché kids, touché.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Kids. Because who else is willing to stampede through the house sounding like an overweight elephant while also only weighing 30 pounds?
I backed my car into my husband’s car once when we were dating and for 25 years he’s not parked behind me.