[two hours into describing a criminal to a police sketch artist]
…But when he took off the mask, he just looked like a normal guy
You Might Also Like
My last name has 16 letters in it and I think this is why telemarketers give up trying to sell me that cruise to the Bahamas.
I’ve just been wearing a towel for 5 days so everyone thinks I showered.
If corporations are people then that’s really gross because we walk inside of them all the time.
I’d like to assure my concerned neighbors that although I have slowly driven by your house 97 times in the last 20 mins, I am not, in fact, a predator or a stalker. I am waiting for my insomniac toddler to fall asleep.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Me as a bachelor contestant: “you’re not talking to any other girls, right?”
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
We’re all searching for that magical connection & mine came in the form of a chicken wing.
“Hey, Mr Tambourine Man, play a song for me.”
*shakes tambourine*
“Got any others?”
*shakes tambourine*
“Sounds a lot like the last one”
The only entities which will survive a nuclear holocaust will be the cockroaches and a book packed by Flipkart.
Me (drunk): I was over served tonight
Friend: aren’t you home alone?
Me: OVER SERVED!
oh good, now I can stop drinking
I’m about to get my 5yo her own phone just so she’ll stop screwing up my YouTube algorithm
911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*
Interviewer: your resume says you’re very literal
Me: my resume talks??
Once a guy pisses me off, I cancel their whole age group.
Currently accepting men aged 53, 74, and 98.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
A conversation between 2 vegans:
“I’m a vegan.”
“I’m a vegan too.”
“Oh.”
“So…you’re a vegan?”
“Yes, I am a vegan.”
“Me too.”
[Genetics Lab]
Me: One designer baby, please
Doctor: It’s not like that, you..
Me: Please remove the pooping and crying functions
Doctor: What? No, you can’t…
Me: Give it wings and flamethrowers
Doctor:
Me: I’m gonna call her Claire
“Ma’am, are you aware that you were going 92 in a 55? I’m gonna need you to step out of the car.”
“Um, I have a boyfriend.”
For those who wanted a world without vaccines, this is the world without ONE vaccine.
The 4th little pig built his house into a windmill. The wolf huffed and puffed and generated enough power to last the whole winter.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
Tell them how you feel about them and if they don’t feel the same way, pretend you’re drunk and thought they were someone else.
Come back tomorrow for more advice on romance. Not from me though, I don’t have time for that shit.
An egg with 28 followers says I’m not funny. So if you need me, I’ll just be in the kitchen making an omelette.
It’s all fun and games until you swallow the keys to the handcuffs.