I taught myself how to play the drums and I’m not very good at it. How can I tell if I’m a bad drummer or a bad teacher?
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Y’all wanna hear something funny?
Lol me too
her: well don’t just stand there, say something
me: they should make paintbrushes that look like bob ross
her: i said i’m pregnant matt
me: his hair could be the brush part
Table for one, please.
Ma’am, your family is right behind you.
It sucks when someone cuts you off in traffic and you have to catch up to them & throw a perfectly good cup of coffee at their windshield.
“Dad, how’d you get that scar on your forehead?”
[flashback to roller skating into a street pole while taking a Polaroid selfie]
‘Nam…
Meet coffee….
This was my hot friend I was telling you about.
When aliens make movies with earthlings in them, I wonder what goofy names they give us?
My daughter’s school was closed for fog.
Back in my day, Godzilla could be destroying the city & the principal would be like “2-hour delay”
There are people who will follow you for your Avi, so either look cute or put a pizza pic.
Always be yourself…
Unless you run into one of your exes…
Then… Be a WAY more successful version of yourself…
Detective Baby: We got you dead to rights, dirtbag.
*suspect puts face in hands*
Detective Baby: HE’S ESCAPED
[alphabet committee]
Boss: what are the vowels
Designer: a e i o and u
Boss: sometimes i think we need another one
Designer: why
Boss: ok
Real sentence from a press release in my inbox: “Donald Trump lives, works, eats and employs people of all races and religions.”
My kid is really into Animorphs, so I think he is going to love whatever The Human Centipede is.
[hiking]
Me: you want some trail mix?Friend: yeah sure!
Me: *starts beatboxing*
Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
do u think spider-man ever shot a little of his own web in his mouth just to see what it tastes like
replying “so true bestie” every time a man tells me i’m pretty
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
My youngest is like a dog
She can spot a bad personality from a mile away and she also may bite you
me: be gentle, it’s been a while for me
turbo tax advisor:
My 7yo learned that a seal in French is a “phoque” and like every Canadian child before her, she is enjoying this sweet swear loophole to its fullest
Space could be filled with vampires, but we would never know, because telescopes use mirrors.
“It’s all fun and games until someone loses an i”
– the Pixar Logo
You can’t intimidate me; you’re not a hairbrush.
if you’re out and you see a heart attacking someone you’re allowed to make a cardiac arrest no questions asked
Mooom why do you always put clothes in there?
-my 3 yo, dropping toys in the hamper
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
I have a clear conscience until a police car pulls behind me. Then I’m like “OH GOD WHAT IF I MURDERED SOMEONE DID I MURDER SOMEONE”
wife: Feeling better?
me: Yeah
wife: Kind of overreacted to a cold didn’t you?
[flashback to me calling the Make-A-Wish Foundation]
me: No