DATE: I want someone who can cook
ME: [fully aware that I eat waffles while they are still frozen] I love cooking
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Hey, we never talked in high school!
Let’s be Facebook friends so we can once again never talk!
JUST LIKE OLD TIMES!
[high school]
Parents: we’re so proud of you for not doing drugs
Me [literally does not even know where I could find an drug if I wanted one]: thank
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
That’s a nice piñata you have there… it would be a real shame if something weren’t to happen to it.
Remember Chucky? This is what he looks like now.
Me: My wife and I finish each others sentences
Judge: No
Behind every HD picture of a girl, there is a
friendzoned DSLR photographer boy 😛
[date]
EXPECTATION:
Me: [dazzles her with charm and wit]REALITY:
Me: “I hear the chicken is pretty good here.”
Whoever the first person was to throw shit in to a fan must have had a lot of explaining to do afterwards.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
[finishing meal at rooftop restaurant] I’m ready to jump off whenever you guys are
ME: So what do you do?
DATE: I’m a chef in the army.
ME: Aah, so you’re in the mealitary.
HER: *already in an Uber
Husband: Sometimes I think you love the dogs more than you love me.
Me: (awkward silence)
Me: That tree is impeckable
“Don’t you mean impeccable?”
*cut to woodpecker with a broken beak*
Me: No. Also how did you pick up on that?
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
thought we’d see more kids named goku by now
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
ADELE: hello from the outside
ME (closing blinds): a restraining order means nothing to that woman
It could have been love, but then I caught her putting a perfectly good steak in an air fryer.
I wish offended people reacted like fainting goats. No, it wouldn’t solve a thing, but life would be so entertaining.
Me: I know this relationship is new, but I feel like my needs are being ignored.
Xfinity Customer Service: I‘ll upgrade you but only if you stop talking.
My wife always nags me and it’s annoying. “Stop chewing so loudly”, “Why don’t you replace the toilet paper roll?”, “Wake up hurry, my water broke!”
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
Nothing snaps a woman into full blown CSI mode faster than an unfamiliar ponytail holder in her car.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
Here we go again. #MAsnow ❄️
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down