I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
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hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
My mom used to make sure we were wearing our seatbelts in the back seat by slamming on the brakes. She was a kind soul.
[HS reunion]
FRIEND: Heard from Billy Adent? He vanished after grade school. Do you know if he moved?
ME: [flashback to not unfreezing him during freeze tag because he said I smelled like milk] HE BETTER NOT HAVE!
Someone cut in front of me in the salad bar line today.
I didn’t do anything because anyone who wants a salad that badly terrifies me.
At soccer today my 5 yo realized one teammate was actually his friend from school. It’s been a month. This is everything you need to know about his attention to detail.
*grabs walmart intercom*
WHY DID YOU LET ME GRAB THIS INTERCOM? I DON’T EVEN WORK HERE
*fighting noises*
YOU’RE GONNA LOSE YOUR JOB
It’s nice when my kitchen smells extra clean cause I used an entire bottle of Clorox to kill one ant.
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
I shot my first Turkey today. Scared the shit out of everyone in the frozen food section, it was awesome!
If I climbed all the way to the top Mount Everest and looked up, then I’d finally see the top of our family’s weekly laundry pile
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
A fun thing to do would be to eat rat poison during a dinner party & then, when you die, they’ll blame the host’s cooking. Lol.
First thing I do in the 10 items or less line is count the number of items the person in front of me has.
January 27th is Mozart’s birthday. Mozart died at 34 years old.
Had he lived he would be 259 years old on Tuesday
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
So apparently you’re supposed to change the lint filter in the dryer more than once a year firemen are hot
My fave part of eating corn dogs is when you get to the bottom and you have to shove the wooden stick in the back of your throat to get that last bit o’ battered glizzy
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
If you’re wondering why it seems like there are so many birthdays these past few weeks it’s because we are the result of parents who have sex once a year on Valentines Day
Hell hath no fury like a woman who told you to kill a spider then realized you used her shoe
There is no “ea” in Tim.
I don’t wish mean people any harm but maybe they would be happier if they moved to that nice farm my parents took my dog to when I was 5.
Wife’s outta her goddamn mind if she thinks I won’t purposely fall off this ladder to prove we should’ve hired someone to wash the windows.
dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
I looked up “thesaurus” in my thesaurus and it says “Don’t be a smart-ass”.
Be the reason your therapist reevaluates their entire career.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
*on a first date*
Her: so nice to finally be out with someone normal
Me: aw thanks
*turns to the waiter*
Me: do you have pony meat
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield