bank robber: EVERYONE FREEZE!
[everyone freezes]
bank robber: [recording everyone] nice! this’ll be the best mannequin challenge yet
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My 11 has all these girls texting him, and I’m so worried about him growing up too fast. I check his search history and I see “how to convince my mom to let me get a parakeet.”
I think I’m good.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
Farmer: Here, take a gander.
Goose: No! My husband!
How do you say “bra” in German? Stopsemfromfloppin
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
People in glasshouses shouldn’t throw surprise parties.
I’m hungry what’s for dinner I ask but there’s no one home except for the dog and he isn’t cooking so kibble and doggy biscuits it is.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
What do you mean a good old fashioned ribbing has nothing to do with this rack of baby backs?
i’m addicted to Youtubers who think their catchphrase is truly like “hey guys” and then they release merch that says “hey guys” and it sells out and they make $1 million and then they get to go to the doctor and I don’t
The best thing to do with Christmas lights that don’t work is put them back in the attic so they can frustrate you again next year.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
Grey Goose and Red Bull, because two sets of wings is better than one.
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Scuba instructor: Sharks can sense blood in a 2 mile radius.
*everyone turns to glare at me as I floss for the first time this year*Me: What?
On Valentine’s evening I usually stay in and watch a romantic movie. You know, like American Psycho.
There are exactly 2 options for headphone cord sizes:
1. Headphone users have torsos?
2. Giraffe strangler
How software testing works
[leaving a party]
GF (holding 2 identical jackets): which one is yours
ME: whichever one has a pancake in the pocket
Husband: “Honey, I can’t find my sweatshirt and I’m cold. Have you seen it?”
Me: “Nope.”
Husband: “You’re wearing it right now…”
When your surrounded by idiots, just remember, murder is illegal and sarcasm is way more satisfying.
At this stage of my life, “Good in Bed” means not snoring or stealing the covers.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
To anyone who thinks they have it harder than me: There is a person in my life who, every time I text them, CALLS ME BACK.
Do you ever wake up.
Kiss the person beside you, and just be thankful to be alive.I did.
Not really appreciated on flights apparently
“I’d kill you if I thought I could get away with it”…….things that were said to me during my divorce. Hey guy’s, she’s available!
I said it was okay to come by my house. I didn’t say you could stop.
Ahh, the joy of being the obsessively punctual guy married to Mrs. Latetoherownfuneral.
If she licks all the frosting off her face with a single 360 degree sweep of the tongue, she might be Scooby Doo.
*stands near cute dude in store*
ME [pretending to be on my phone]: PLEASE doctor, when will I be cured of my no gag reflex problem *winks*