me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
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The brat next door is outside banging on a metal bucket in his front yard …..guess it’s about that time to go mow my gravel driveway.
Just because I quit smoking doesn’t mean I gave up getting up and randomly leaving the room for 10 minutes.
#TakeMyAdvice Don’t let Mom trim your hair.
In the beginning there was darkness.
Because my dad had gone around shutting off every light in the world to save energy.
Me: I must warn you, I’m like an animal in bed.
Her: That’s fine by me!
*burrows under the covers and falls asleep at the foot of the bed*
My kid can’t remember if it’s “heck” or “hell” that he’s not supposed to say in school, so he’s been switching between them both and I’ll just go ahead and pencil in a meeting with his teacher now
Had a 6″ sammich from subway today, and it totally didn’t fill me up. I get it now ladies, and I’m so, so sorry.
Give a man a fish, he eats today.
Teach a man to fish, he gets drunk in a boat.
Before I became a parent I had no idea there were so many different ways to count to 3.
[5:30AM]
BRAIN: I’ll just go to the bathroom, but keep my eyes closed so I don’t wake up.
BODY: I’ll just clip my head on the door frame.
Apparently, saying “grande” in a non-Starbucks coffee shop is like shouting the wrong name during sex.
*first time in a long time at the dentist*
Dentist: don’t worry this isn’t going to be as bad as you think.
Me:
Dentists: whoops never mind we have to take out all your teeth.
God: you’re a centipede.
Centipede: what does that mean?
God: you have 10 legs.
Centipede: that’s not enough legs.
God: how many do you want?
Centipede: 100 LEGS : )
God: ok but don’t tell Snake.
Snake: don’t tell me what?
God:
Centipede:
Snake: guys don’t tell me what?
8: [gives dog good morning kisses]
wife: the dog gets good morning but not me? I gave you life!
8: the dog’s cute
me: everybody run
Dr: Do you limit your alcohol intake?
Me: Yes. As soon as I pass out, I’m done.
Friend: How long till school starts?
Me: 8 days, 13 hours, 26 mins, 14 secs.
Her: Are you even capable of love?
Me: I’m pretty sure I love pancakes.
Someone called me “down to earth” and I was like, “hey look, mister, you’ve got the wrong woman.”
Drunk octopus wants to fight. He will rip your coat off your back.
Hey ladies, if you want a free pelvic exam, I suggest you try the old “gyne and dash.”
My daughters steal my hoodies so they don’t have to deal with having a boyfriend in case you’re wondering why I’m concerned for the bloodline.
I read this article that said your heartbeat will try to synch up with your music, which makes it sound like if someone’s suffering a cardiac arrest you could just put on some death metal and crank it
I don’t know why Shark Tank rejected my Snore Stopper Pillow.
Don’t get excited girls. That bulge in my pants is just emergency Oreos.
Hate when stores ban free plastic bags, they’re great for picking up dog poop. Guess I’ll find a new hobby to spend my time. Maybe get a dog
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
My daughter is late coming down to breakfast. Her 3 strips of bacon are getting cold. I mean 2 strips. Sorry, 1 strip. She’ll have cereal.
“Can I be honest with you?”
“Yes.”
“You don’t know me at all do you?”
[leaving a birthday party with my piñata friend] i swear i didn’t know they were going to do that
“Just take me home”