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Podiatrists don’t use metric.
They only deal with feet.
Me [as a child]: The Easter Bunny IS real. I will end your lies!
[steps on a crack, nothing happens]
[starts stomping on the crack]HAS MY ENTIRE LIFE BEEN A LIE??
My mom: [sighs]
Husband: Do you want to go for a run today?
Me: *drawing a giant pumpkin on my stomach* Nah, I’m good.
The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.
Cashier: Did you find everything?
Me: Did you hide something?
Show yourself some self-love.
No. Not in public.
I love my new crockpot. Now we can wait longer to eat my horrible cooking.
[Storm into Octopus Boss’ office]
I want a raise or I quit!
[Octopus Boss is almost done camouflaging against the fern]
NOT THIS TIME
I find that pregnant women stop asking me about my birthing story when I start describing the scene out of Alien
My camera roll is 25% my kids and 75% things I couldn’t read and had to make bigger.
I’ve often wondered whether baby deer are left or right handed. Turns out they’re bambidextrous.
Whenever I have to fix a hole in any wall I always hide a realistically drawn but totally fake treasure map in there first.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Discovered that when 10yo boys go on a school trip for 3 days, there’s no laundry when they come back because they’re unaware they can actually change their clothes
Well Bob, I love to travel, and being my own boss is great. But I suppose my favorite thing about being a serial killer is murdering people.
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Wife: Where’s your dad?
Son: He’s sunbathing in Nepal.
Wife: He’s what?
Son: Himalayan out.
Counting Crows in the 90s: “They took all the trees and put ’em in a tree museum and they charged the people a dollar and a half to see them.”
Me in 2023: “Wow that’s a good price.”
The amount of time I’ve spent searching for my chihuahua int the back yard while she is locked in the house is astronomical
The Tower of Babel is my favourite story. Made God so mad that he forced everybody to learn French. Imagine being so angry you invent the phrase sacré bleu.
My kids just connected worlds in Minecraft. So now they can fight in a virtual universe too.
date: are u a tender lover?
me: more of a dino nugget guy
Seriously, if I were a manager at Burger King, my answer to every complaint would be, “You’re at Burger King.”
Did you hear about the cheese factory that exploded? There was nothing left but de brie
“There’s an all you can eat–”
CUT TO:
My spinning empty office chair
“We’re going to a school presentation tonight, ok?”
My kid: “I love presents.”
I went on a walk today through a hiking trail. And I can’t be certain, but I think nature touched me. It was gross.