when all of your friends are at a bar that doesn’t allow you inside because one time you brought a sword in there
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last christmas
i saved me some plums
the very next day
you ate them anywaynext year
to save me from tears
i’ll eat all my plums for dinner
just bought $250 worth of there’s nothing to eat
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
Every commercial for every product should have a scientist looking into a microscope. That gives me the confidence to buy
The label on the pack of the supplements I just bought says “Keep in a dark place”, so I stored it in my memories.
No matter how hard I try, I just never seem to run out of bad ideas.
pet owner’s tip: glue the very tip of your cat’s tail to the center of their back to make a convenient cat-carrying handle.
Europeans are like “we go on holiday but Americans don’t go on holiday, they go on vacation.”
WE DON’T GO ON VACATION EITHER
Wife: It’s sweltering in here. We need to get the AC fixed.
Me: Look at this gif, it’ll cool you down.
Wife: I forget, did you want to be buried or cremated?
I wish I were this cool 😂
I get you, anti-evolution people. I’m too lazy to learn science too.
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
“how can you be single?”
*smirks*
gimme 60 seconds, you’re about to find out
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
Wife: I’m going out now
Me: Wait! Where are you going?
Wife: Yes.
*door slams*
to revive an exhausted bee, leave out a little bit of sugar mixed with water
to revive an exhausted wasp, give it a cigarette and ask it if it really believes that god can kill it
My 11yo is begging me to let her get the ends of her hair dyed and says she’ll be the best child and do whatever I want if I say yes.
I already made the appointment but I’m gonna enjoy pretending I’m on the fence until then.
PSYCHIATRIST: You seem distracted.
ME: I have “Tom’s Diner” in my head.
PSYCHIATRIST: Haha… It’s a catchy song!
ME: Yeah, it is.
PSYCHIATRIST: How long has it been stuck in your head?
ME: Since 1987. That’s why I’m here.
[God creating pufferfish]
How about a terrifying balloon
Don’t have money for a cab so I keep calling ambulances and telling them I feel better when I’m close to my destination
Breaking news:
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
At my daughter’s 4-year checkup, the doctor said she should be eating a varied diet and to make sure she’s eating a good amount from each food group and I think she said a bit about trying new foods but not sure cause I got distracted wondering if she’d ever actually met a 4yo.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
Haha! 😂
Why do people say half a dozen?
Why can’t they just say Six
In honor of Mother’s Day here’s my favorite text my mom has ever sent me