The car you buy should say something about you, and not just ramble on about itself like you’re not even there.
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I’m sure 4 kids fighting about who found the most eggs at 7 AM is exactly what Jesus had planned for today.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Pastor: discipline your children as God disciplines his.
Me: so kick them out for eating an apple?
Pastor: no
Me: rain down frogs?
Pastor: what the?
Me: plague them with locusts?
Pastor: NO
Me: I gotta say Padre, it kinda feels like I’m running out of options here.
newspaper editor: can you do a short local weather report?
me: it’s fine by me
newspaper editor: that’s perfect, thanks!
*hands out cups of all purpose flour to marathon runners*
The baby spit up on my Xbox so I had to get rid of it…
I’m gonna miss that baby…
Everybody talks about sweet dreams but I’m over here hoping yours are savory.
My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
Customer: Why do you own a hot dog stand when you draw and write?
Me: Wanna buy my book?
Them: No.
Me: That’s why I own a hot dog stand.
jane austen: *experiences pride and prejudice* hmm i think i’ll write a book about this
j.d. salinger: *catches some rye* yeah same
[wakes up next to perfectly crocheted sweater with knitting needles in hands]
Oh dear god not again
“Oh shit I murdered someone”
“You should turn yourself into the police”
“Great idea!” *puts on badge and hat* “Looks like a suicide to me”
My toddler is going through his “MINE!” phase which also applies to me. My husband was giving me a hug and my toddler looked at us aghast, pointing and saying “No! NO! Mine!!” and it’s the first time in a while I’ve had two guys competing for my love
She said that having a successful marriage is all about making sacrifices so I threw her into a volcano.
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
I was using the self-checkout at the grocery store and since I’m such a good customer, I decided to give myself a free gallon of milk.
Never seen anyone in Nandos or McDonald’s pick up an appropriate amount of napkins – you’re cleaning up after a burger not a double homicide
I’m scared to open any email with a photo attachment because of all this talk about photobombing.
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
“We’ll get you another ball, Hank.”
You know it’s a BBQ type holiday weekend when there are a thousand people in the spice aisle at the grocery store just staring at the spices
Jurassic World: A generically modified smart 50 ft monster has turned violent and this, for some reason, took people by surprise.
Sticks and stones may break my bones, but alcohol makes ugly people pretty.
Dad: relax kids, no monkey business in a nice restaurant
[table over]
Monkey 1: *slams briefcase shut, stands up*
Monkey 2: not worth it man
[movie]
*guy hugs woman from behind while she cuts vegetables*
wife: Awwme*does same thing*
wife:ARE YOU TRYING TO MAKE ME LOSE A FINGER?!
Sorry babe, you knew you were dating a bad boy [shuffles Pokemon cards without the plastic covers]
I never realized just how much of parenting is surreptitiously throwing away artwork.
“Have you seen the cat, Sam?”
“The what now?”