got bored and went to Home Depot wearing an orange apron to see how good i am at making up answers to peoples home repair questions
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So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
Why would I get married when it’s a well known fact that only 50% of all marriages end in divorce?
Thinking of leaving a fake bloody arm inside the blood pressure machine at this CVS pharmacy.
Once you commit to the idea of a closed casket funeral it really takes a lot of pressure off how you live your life.
Gandalf: shadowfax, show us the meaning of haste!
Frodo: sweet he’s gonna do that the whole way right?
Gandalf:
Frodo: Gandalf tell me we’re riding this horse the whole way
Gandalf: on an unrelated note how many shoes did you pack?
DOCTOR: You’ve gained a lot of weight
ME: I’m getting older and my metabolism is slowing down
DOCTOR: [slapping chicken wings out of my mouth] I mean since you got here
Note to Self:
‘Try actually reading these once in a while.’
Someone once asked me to imagine not having eyelids and I’m just like no
I believe meat is murder, vegetables are burglary, bread is mail fraud and dairy is impersonating a police officer.
I’m guessing by the bathroom scale being in the trash my wife has met her new years resolution and doesn’t need it anymore
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
The contents of my son’s last diaper was so upsetting to both of us we shared a cigarette after I changed it.
3 month plan:
1. Get a man
2. Plan fancy dinner
3. Check in on Facebook
4. Instagram dinner
5. Make that bitch Kelly jealous of you for once
Showed up to basic training wearing denim short pants.
I got jort-martialed
A lot of Future Billionaires are currently in my mentions telling me how wrong I am about crypto (I didn’t really give an opinion either way but they’re HERE TO LET ME KNOW!). Dang boys you’re right. Gonna buy in and start hassling strangers online, this is how we get rich
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
*at my funeral, friends talk around the coffin*
So crazy, just two days ago she was doing good –
*I rise from grave*
I was doing WELL.
“Are you the one who multiplies fishes?”
You never feel shorter than when you’re standing on a step stool with half your body in the washing machine and you’re using the tongs you used to make lamb loin chops to grab your socks from the bottom of the washer.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
[at wedding]
Pastor: If anyone opposes, speak now or forever hold your peace
Me (raises hand)
Pastor: It’s your wedding
Me (lowers hand)
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
of course you were in it i told you it was a nightmare
aruba, jamaica / oooh, i wanna take ya
atlanta, las vegas/ uhhh that’s lots of places
vienna, then florence/ baaabe i can’t afford this
My 9 year old ran away for an hour and by the time he came back my wife had already turned his bedroom into a yoga studio.
if i’m bleeding out in an alley & you approach me w/an app that would save me, but i’d have to login using facebook, i’d be fine w/just dyin
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*