Beer enthusiasts should have an OnlyCans.
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Fool me once, I buy a gun. Fool me twice, I pull the trigger.
When I see someone texting and driving I swerve my car into them and try to run them off the road cause texting and driving is illegal.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
The self checkout lane was invented by a man who was sent to the store to buy tampons.
stop telling me to move somewhere warmer. you can’t just pack up and leave like some kind of goddamn hippie i’m working on it.
Good morning people…..I woke up feeling myself this morning….wait that doesn’t sound right. What I meant is I woke up feeling confidant
this coffee maker is handing out writing prompts for a choose-your-own-adventure vampire story
[HR office]
Do you know why we called you in today?
To give me a pay rise?
No.
Because I googled ‘How to burn down office’ 600 times?
Yes.
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Fair warning. People who underestimated me in the past have seldom learned of their error!
*a ship carrying pineapples gets wrecked*
Government: Housing infrastructure for SpongeBobs was delivered directly to them, cutting out all the red tape, and middlemen.
*starts the “Fight Fight Fight” chant in the background of the conference call as two people argue*
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
What did the Wise Men say after presenting their gold and frankincence???
Wait, there’s myrrh!!!
I’m so glad you’re all here. I’d like to talk to you all about a legging candle vitamin jewelry networking opportunity. Please, have a seat.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
*boss puts arm around Alan*
Look out that window, Alan. What do you see?
“Um, chirping birds?”
That’s right Alan. But why do they chirp?
“Because they’re free?”
No, Alan.
“Er, because they want guns?”
You’re goddamned right they want guns, Alan. That’s why we make guns for birds.
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
Me: a cop once told me that I was the politest drunk he’d ever met
Interviewer: I meant achievements relating to the job
Welcome to your 40s. When you’re hungry your stomach sounds like a storm coming in.
WIFE: If you embarrass me in public again, I’m leaving you
[Single Ladies comes on the jukebox]
ME: *rising to my feet* Well, we had a good run
All I’m saying is if I’m a nearby country previously occupied by the British, the queen is dead, the monarchy is tanking public trust via photoshop, the spare is in California making podcasts, and the real government blew through 3 prime ministers in a year + brexit, I’m invading
My 6yo is arguing with me over what day of the week it is.
Have kids, they said.
Putting an ‘e’ at the end of words (ie Pointe, Crowne) makes something fancy as shite.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I’m installing a generous 4 minute timer on my forehead so that chatty people know when it’s time to wrap this up.
I steal babies, run 20 feet, turn around and hand them back to their mothers and say “Just jokin!”
me: you hear old macdonald’s farm got replaced by artificial intelligence?
him: AI?
me: AI
him: oh