Sometimes I sit on my hand till it’s numb so it feels like someone else is googling my name
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If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
I wish the Antiques Roadshow guy had just told me how much my swords were worth without getting all nosy about where the blood came from.
Me: *annoyed that 3yo never wants to get in the bath and then never wants to get out of bath*
Also me: *procrastinates getting in the shower because comfy and lazy and then doesn’t want to get out of the shower because comfy and lazy*
Mary Jane: So…know what today is?
Spider-Man: Um…no.
MJ: [sigh] Our anniversary. You know, your spider-sense sucks.
Spider-Man: It’s only for when I’m in danger.
MJ: [picking up frying pan] Uh huh…
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
Drops a case of canned beer down the steps before bringing them to your BBQ
Me: this meeting could’ve been an email.
Also me: (gets an email) Goddammit.
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Thought my husband’s new soap was a block of cheese, and now I’m disappointed and he wants to know why it’s slightly chilled
I believe in love, but I also believe in sledgehammers so it’s complicated.
Fun like a LinkedIn notification
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years
Medusa: oh hello I’d like to make a hair appointment please
pet shop: please stop calling us
Life would be simpler if you were notified when you were added to lists IRL.
“Your crush” has added you to list “Friend Zone”.
I love how insurance companies offer “accident forgiveness” like they’re some sort of ancient deity pardoning your existence.
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m trying to spell Chrysanthemum
Buying a house has proven to be a lot like dating: All the really good ones aren’t even on the market and the rest are in need of a lot of repairs
Guys waiting their turn for a haircut are a barbercue.
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
No I don’t want to “just follow you” give me the damn address.
Still a great one lol. #tailsofjoy
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
Me: I save a bunch of time by not having to tie my shoes.
Her: What do you do with the time saved?
Me: *tying my dogs shoes* Sorry, what?
My black cat just ate my four leaf clover. That can’t be good…….
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.