I don’t understand why this loan manager won’t get behind my dream of becoming a sugar daddy.
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I washed my sports bra with the Fitbit still attached and won first place in all my challenges.
We’re way too stupid in our 20’s to be picking life partners
The most successful people I’ve met:
1. Go to work early
2. Stay late
3. Walk home to save money
4. Meet devil at crossroads
5. Trade soul for ability to play fiddle
6. Music career
7. Death, hell
8. Challenge devil to fiddling competition
9. Defeat devil
10. Ascend hell’s throne
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
Me: you’re like heroin.
Her: Why? Because you’re addicted to me?
Me: No, because you’re ruining my life.
I don’t know who put chairs in the elevator, but that’s a kind of laziness that I can respect.
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
son you’re getting older and one way I show my trust in you is letting you tackle some tough jobs on your own;
bathing the cat for starters
Who snuck Monday in here? 🙄
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: electric windows?
Me, taps window: glass
Customer: break horse power?
Me: oh yeah, this will smash a horse to bits
Customer: 4 wheel drive?
Me, quickly counts: yup
Customer: manual?
Me: in the glove box
And the Lord said in the presence of a loading zone
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
Atheists don’t seem to recognize church is worth it for the bake sales alone.
God, or no god, those are good Brownies.
Him: you know, a baby deliverer…
Me: you mean my OBGYN or the stork?
How’s my day going?
If I was Daffy Duck I would of lost my beak already.
if you ever feel useless, remember someone made a protective cover for Nokia 3310
hey idiots you don’t have to go back in time to kill hitler he’s already dead
*Seductively hides in the woods
I think the reason giraffes don’t ride in hot air balloons is that their faces would probably get fried off in that flame thing.
My 8 year old daughter just ate dinner and didn’t even notice the onions that were in there.
If you were wondering about my hiding skills.
I got 99 tabs open but my work ain’t one.
Joke I told my one-eyed coworker today:
Me: What do you call a terrorist who’s missing an eye?
Him: I give up
Me: A terrorst
Sometimes I think the human body is amazing, how it can fight disease, heal from injury, create new life, and other times it let’s me choke on my own spit.
I don’t have many steadfast rules in life, but one of them is to always decline grated cheese from anyone with band-aids on their knuckles
This salad tastes like I’ll be eating spaghetti at midnight. 😒
Me: kid, you have no chill
5: I do, I just don’t use it
Sorry I dropped you during the trust fall, I was going through your phone.
*leaves the kids w/ a new babysitter
*calls to check on the sitter
Swordfish: my nose looks ridiculous.
God: at least you have a cool name.
Swordfish: so?
God: I could have made you look ridiculous AND have a dumb name.
Swordfish: but why would you do that to someone?
Hammerhead Shark: yes God why would you do that to someone?
When the teacher told my 5yo that America was below Canada, my son thought that if you dug a hole deep enough in Canada you’d get to America