Happy thanksgiving!
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My husband gets so cranky when I come home from the pool with only a fraction of the kids I left with
non-fungible…that’s when you’re allergic to mushrooms right?
Shout out to sidewalks.
Thanks for keeping me off the streets.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Just texted my brother to see how his fantasy football went today but it autocorrected to “what’s your fantasy” and now it seems we are closer than ever
You know how if a bear is about to attack you, you’re supposed to stand totally still? Your smarter friend that’s running just punkd you.
My daughter just asked “if you’re waiting for the waiter, doesn’t that make you the waiter?”
Me:……….
My daughter has decided to teach our kitten to laugh.
I may have over sold the “you can do anything you set your mind to” narrative.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I have bad news
ME: can you tell me what it is
DOCTOR: no I’m still too scared
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now
Me *shuffles further behind cabinet* better?
Receptionist: Yes but shh he’s coming
My ex-boyfriend once stood over my shoulder while I peeled an onion and told me how his mom could do it faster
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
CW: It’s 11:11 make a wish.
Me: I wish I could throw a clock at your face.
[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
one time a girl told me she listens to “anything but country” so i played pterodactyl noises on on full volume the whole way to Ruby Tuesday
facebook is always sending me suggestions of “an event that might interest you” – it all interests me, facebook! trust me! it’s not for a lack of interest … so, if you could please tweak these suggestions to “an event that you can afford” … that would be great … thanks
Me: *eating turkey*
Cartographer: My work!
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
The brownies I started making in my Easy Bake Oven in 1987 are ready if you guys want one.
watching new movies on hbo max makes so much sense. people are already used to being disappointed in bed
“Ok, I know this is creepy af but check this out..”
-first taxidermist
Love restaurants that put ice cubes in their urinals. Makes me think the ice is a bank vault and my pee is a laser.
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
me: I think there may have been a mixup at the hospital. this isn’t my baby
him: mom I’m 35 years old
Am I romantic?
I do the rose petal thing but I use potato salad.
So, I don’t know.
You tell me.