“How about if the villain is a psychopath out to make a skin suit?”
– Not in a kids movie, dude.
“Ok, but it’s puppy skin?”
– Oh, then YES!
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If I worked at a wax museum, I think a good joke would be to put a wick coming out of all of their heads.
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.
Yet another unrealistic beauty standard smh
We are all made of stardust, and stardust maybe should have had a little less to drink last night.
My suicide notes just keep turning into grocery lists.
What I was supposed to teach my kid before kindergarten:
1) phonics
2) writing
3) mathWhat I actually taught her:
1) the dance to Thriller
I’d dust but it would defeat the medieval castle ambience I’m going for.
The court system could save a lot of money on psychological exams by reading Facebook posts to determine if a person is crazy.
interviewer: “so what makes you think you’d be good at checking tickets at our cinema?”
me: [picks up my résumé and rips it a little bit]
If I’m wearing the mask here’s how to tell If I’m smiling: I’m not.
[pronounces modeling like yodeling]
me: look, I’m just saying things have gotten really complicated, and I think we need to start over
box of plastic wrap:
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
Me: *cracks open a beer, leans back* “What have I done wrong now”
Boss: “It’s 9am”
Imagine meeting the man of your dreams…
and he says, “prolly.”
People who peel the entire banana before eating it are the same ones who take off all their clothes to go to the bathroom.
If you upload these, I hope you enjoy hell.
Guys, are you sure it’s a good idea to bring up proof of ownership?
*time travels to the 1950s*
Me: …and it’ll change the world forever. I call it the Internet
1950s person: incredible! How does it work?
Me:
Me: [Walks into kitchen]
[Evil spirit flings open all the cabinet doors]
Me: [Gasps]
.
.
.
.
I still have Pringles?
“i miss shittin on people”
Me: I got my YOLO tattoo covered up
GF: Good. I told you it was just a stupid fad
Me: I know
GF: What’d you get?
Me: *reveals Minion tattoo*
Judge: I find him… not guilty
*Tom Brady breathes a sigh of relief*
Cop: *cuffing him* So that’s where the air was, huh? We finally gotcha
Cause of death: Very rough shirt tag
“DIDN’T THE KIDS JUST HAVE A DAY OFF SCHOOL LAST MONTH!?!”
~A parent’s memoir.
Thanks, spell check, that’s what I meant: Edgar Allen Pie.
[in prison]
me: so u guys come here often?
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
The biggest problem with prison is that you can only rearrange your cell in so many ways because of where the toilet is.