I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
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my kid learned what money was today at 9 am and by noon he was ready to stab me over 27 cents
Imagine the excitement of the first scientist to travel between parallel dimensions. He’ll be beside himself.
My January credit card bill, aka the Ghost of Christmas Past.
I accidentally took an extra step when I reached the top of the stairs and now I’m in a marching band.
MOM: Any plans tonight?
ME: Me and the guys heading out to find us some ladees *shoots finger guns
HER: So Pokemon Go with Gary?
M: Yessss
I just opened an email from the vet wishing my dog a happy birthday.
I replied asking them to call her because she can’t read.
Imagine if there were no cops and you had 8 hands for slapping
My parents told me as a kid that R&B stood for ribbons and bows so when I heard Barry White in their bedroom I left them alone to do crafts.
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
TAYLOR SWIFT: Aw here are some band aids
ME: THOSE DON’T FIX BULLETHOLES
TS: *picks up guitar* …brb
ME: I’M STILL DYING
Got ya covered
It’s the year 2057, humans are shaped like candy canes from years of looking down at their phones. Striped-clothing is always in fashion.
[chamber of commerce]
harry potter: i’m sorry i think i made a wrong turn
If I could time travel to assassinate a historical figure I’d probably choose Archduke Franz Ferdinand
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
1997: *waits 5 minutes for dial-up internet connection*
2017: MY CAR’S VOICE DOES NOT PLEASE ME
Twitter’s fun because everyone’s really cynical and snide about everything except *checks hand* … wrestling? that can’t be right
Do not ask me to cheer you up. I will take you to a bar and ruin both our lives
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
AC changed midlife crisis to kidlife crisis & now 5 is leaving me for a younger dad that drives a sports car
“Mommy don’t sit on the swing because you’re going to make it wider!” – my daughter screaming to me at the park
all i’m saying is that i probably would have used a different font here.
rolls sleeve
rolls sleeve
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-Octopus preparing for a fight
me: the show is at 7, want to get there at 6:45?
dad: sure 6 it is
me: i said 6:45
dad: yup 6
me: 6:30?
dad: right we’re on the same page, 6
me: we don’t need to get there an hour early
dad: we can’t arrive right at showtime
me: there are other options
dad: i don’t understand
My friend said she’d bring a harmonica over for my daughter. What’s the fastest way to get a restraining order?
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
My 6yo: *begs to go to a Mexican restaurant*
Also my 6yo: *orders a hot dog*
Why he land on that little girl like that☠️
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.