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Sitting backwards in a chair so that the teens will find me casual and relatable
If you call me Dear, I automatically grandpa zone you.
[doc walks in holding up my X-rays with one hand & giving a thumbs down with the other]
Bad news, pal. You’re a skeleton.
10 wants everyone to know i’m a horrible parent who never lets him have a friend spend the night tonight. even though he and his friend have spent the night at each others houses back and forth since Monday. kbye
why is college the only institution that keeps asking you for donations after you’ve already paid? if my dentist called every 6 months saying “donate $200 to be in the Elite Teeth Club” I would call the police
The fishmonger at our local market is always pretty unfriendly.
I’d describe him as a little standoffish.
*aggressively waits in line*
Yea baby you like them thick?
Check out my orthopedic shoes.
2nd month dating: A thousand lifetimes with you would not be enough.
2nd month of marriage: OMG you are the loudest cereal chewer on earth!
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
[break room]
coworker: what’s for lunch?
me: [eating] food, generally
cw: no, I mean what are you having?
me: an unwanted conversation
4-year-old: Why does mom always yell at you?
Me: Marriage is complicated.
4: Is it because you’re stupid?
Ultracrepidarianism is the habit of giving opinions & advice on matters outside one’s knowledge or competence.
Or, as I call it, tweeting.
I made the cutest little Easter baskets with leaves and fronds. My neighbor is still wondering who sawed off the top of his palm tree.
Me: NO!
Him: What? I haven’t even said anything
Me: Oh, you looked like you were about to
Good cop: frisks you
Bad cop: takes his time
If you have ever spent an hour on Twitter then you understand why there’s such an urgency to create Artificial Intelligence.
Drank enough whiskey to talk the husband into a Titanic reenactment. He’s laying in the snow and I won’t share the picnic table with him.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Ordering coffee with a coworker whos a vegan, she looks at me, & goes, ‘I don’t believe in sugar.’ I’m like ‘Bitch, it exists’
Spring is what we call the time in between complaining about the cold and complaining about the heat
Watching holiday movies as a kid gave me the impression that as an adult I’ll forget my kid at home or have to drive in a halfway burned down car to get where I’m going.
thinking about parking in a garage downtown just to get some validation
Of course being a child is terrible .. They don’t give you any money and then make you watch commercials the whole time
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
The most uncomfortable moment in my day is the time spent waiting in silence while someone searches for a ‘funny’ YouTube clip I *need* to see.
[job int]
“& what are your strengths.”
Me: lions
“Lions?”
Me: I’ll take [lion walks by the office] I- [quietly] I’ll take on any lion
The first 8 minutes of any plumber’s visit are spent apologizing for what we tried before we called him.
I’d be more inclined to grow up if I saw that it worked out for everyone else