Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.
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Movie Exec: Give me 3 realistic ideas or you’re fired
Me: A rat becomes a chef
Movie Exec: ok
Me: A dog plays basketball
Movie Exec: Good
Me: A main character has a bottom row locker at school
Movie Exec: Get out
Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
My kid: I’M NOT GOING TO BED!
Prison guard: *pinches bridge of nose* Again, this is not up to you.
The pond is silent. No one has come to feed us bread in a week. Slowly we gather our nerve and begin to wander from the pond. The world is quiet. Empty. We waddle through the streets, unhindered, unchallenged.
Duck World – coming to Netflix this summer
They say that there’s no place for the state in the bedrooms of the nation, and you know what else has no place in the bedrooms of the nation? MALM furniture from IKEA or my cousin Steve.
My wedding vows were until death do us part. Yet nowhere did they specify cause of death…
how high up are we talkin’?
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
There are 2 kinds of parents
“Stop climbing on the countertops! Get down! You’re going to fall and hurt yourself. DON’T JUMP!”
and
“Climb over and get Momma those cookies, while you’re up there!”
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
when mom throws a party…
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height
My knee hurts so bad today and I have tried everything under the sun to make it feel better— everything except vodka.
That ends five minutes ago.
“I had the worst Cruise ever.” – Katie Holmes
Surgeon: scalpel.
[patient hands him scalpel]
Surgeon: oh shit! Lol. You’re supposed to be asleep.
[any medication commercial]
good news, we have something that will likely make things worse for you
*Draws happy eyebrows on my dog*
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Starting a ride sharing service where you have the option to hook up with your driver called Ecarmony. Send.
Dude came through my broken gate and told me he was a fencer. He seemed shocked when I stabbed him in the chest like, on guard, dude
boss: can we talk?
me: sure
boss: people are afraid of you because you’re obsessed with the devil
me: okay, first of all his name is lucifer
Got fired as a detective.
I have no clue why
No email needs to tell me not to reply.
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
[after plane flies upside down for a full minute]
pilot: sorry about that turbulence folks i was having a nightmare
After killing a spider I wrap the web around his neck and hang him from the wall to make it look like a suicide.