If anyone needs me, I’ll be spending the rest of my life under this bathroom light that gives my abs a hint of definition.
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Why did Adele cross the road?
To say hello from the other side
*sees co-worker outside of work, hisses like a cat*
Sorry I called your baby ugly
I should have just gave the more socially acceptable “Aww.. looks just like you!”
Me: Loving this juice cleanse.
Wife: That’s sangria.
[spelling bee]
Your word is ‘condescending’
“Can you use it in a sentence?”
Of course I can. Can YOU?
My friends describe me as “I’m sorry, he’s not usually like this.”
Me: can you spell wonton backwards?
Friend: not now !
Pay me and I’ll tell you whether or not your kid is actually cute.
Dorothy: We have to see the wonderful Wizard of Oz
Toto: OK but I wouldn’t make a song and dance about it
Dorothy: [inhaling]
Toto: FFS
me after drinking all the wine:
Prisoner: You inked
Me: *thinking about my “I hate prisoners” back tattoo* No why
“It’s a dog-eat-dog world.”
– Hannibal Labradoodle
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
There were no suspicious people alerts on nextdoor today so Susie over on Mystic Ave has either been kidnapped or is dead
the bad guy in hallmark movies is a boyfriend who is like “uh no babe i cant drop everything + leave work this weekend im about to close a deal for ten million dollars that will set us up for life” and the good guy is a guy who is just standing there when she gets to her hometown
Friend who once recommended a movie where the dog died: Don’t worry, you can trust me
Me *whispers*: never again
When women mentally undress me, it takes too long to unwrap the turban and they get bored and leave.
Summer Camp: we need you to send some info
My wife: don’t you have it from last year?
SC: probably, but we want it again
MW: ok
SC: by fax
MW: but why w-
SC: and in cuneiform
MW: are you s-
SC: and can you place insurance cards face up and face down on the form at the same time?
Notice how women didn’t complain when they did an all-male version of Sex & The City called Entourage.
Her: I always secretly believed I was the lucky one in our relationship. Bet you felt the same!
Me: True. I also secretly thought you were the lucky one.
Her:
Me: Guess you should’ve kept that secret, huh?
I always say “I was wondering when you’d find me” when I get in my car. That way if someone’s ever in the backseat I’ll look cool as shit.
All I’m saying is there’s no coincidence that Superheroes come in all forms and so does cheese.
If you are reading this then you are reading this
My eye doctor is alarmingly young and when he said he thought I had a chalazion or a hordoleum I thought he might be referencing Pokémon
Urine for a real treat today.
-Toilets
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Finding a date on the internet is so much easier than real life because how are they supposed to know that’s not your Ferrari?
my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
Back to work after the long holiday weekend, so you’re finally away from the relatives you don’t like, and back with the co-workers you don’t like
My son turns 18 today. I bought him a set of luggage for his birthday.
Too forward? Maybe it’s too forward.