Gwyneth Paltrow: *gestures down there* I need this waxed
Yankee Candle: Please leave
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A duv-egg? In this economy?
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Apparently I’m a bad mother for having a lip piercing. Actually sir, that is a zit. Thank you for pointing it out.
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Once, on Twitter, I followed a woman & she followed me back & we laughed & talked about life & how she was a man from Brooklyn…
coworker: what’re u gonna be for halloween
me: ur mom
coworker: lol havent heard that one in a whi–
me: matthew u never call
read this from top to bottom to discover just how much movement your eyebrows are capable of
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
If ur a guy riding on a motorcycle with another guy, it’s best to sit facing each other. 1 man mounted behind another that just looks bad
When your realtor finds a quaint Tudor in your price range.
Just ordered me some pizza!
“Oh, we’re going for a 6 minute car ride? Let me just gather all of my worldly possessions and get a little naked first. Then I just need to run & hide your keys.”
-3 year olds
The only time I miss masking is after I’ve eaten an Oreo
Jesus draws a bath after an exhausting day, gets in “Damn it, c’mon, not again!” he says as he sits on top of the water, unable to submerge
My boyfriend calls me “babe” because “pig in the city” is such a mouthful to say.
I love the meaningful conversations I have with my son.
“YOU BETTER DIE IN YOUR FORTNITE GAME BECAUSE DINNER IS READY IN 5 MINUTES!”
Starting to get the feeling like there is a fennel cabal out there forcing chefs to put fennel in as many dishes as possible, this fennel conspiracy hurts all of us
Happy Birthday to me. 27 years old… in Spice Girl years.
ME [passing the bag]: cheeto?
GUY IN THE STALL NEXT TO ME: can we please not do this?
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
A watched pot never boils. The same is also true if you forget to turn the burner on apparently.
me: omg why are you so obsessed with me
cop: because you ran over 4 people back there
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
Me: *looks at tupperware cabinet*
Tupperware cabinet: CRASH! BANG! CLANK!
*hears dogs bark*
“I’ve been caught stealing
once when I was 5.”
And in conclusion, may I say that black robe is very slimming on you, Your Honor. And I’ve never seen a bigger gavel.
*rap battles you for the last chicken nugget*
My kids broke the TV, tried to cover it up, owned up to it together, and are now inseparable. Apparently all it takes for them to get along is being co-conspirators in a cover-up operation.
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level