ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
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8: *gives me a pen*
Me: *takes it*
8: thanks! I found it in the urinal!
Wife: [1st time watching Harry Potter] wait…if Harry was a baby, both Harry’s parents died & Voldemort disappeared; how does anyone know what happened at the house that night?
Me: [watching for the 751st time]
…well shit
I like to think of brunch as the purest form of anarchy. Want a burger between 2 waffles? Go for it. Scrambled eggs on a brownie? Heck yeah! Toss some onion rings in those Froot Loops, you are ungovernable. For 90 glorious minutes, all rules of polite society have been suspended.
the twelve days of christmas is completely unrealistic there is no way that you’re still accepting gifts from someone after four days of birds
Hear me out: a party bus that stops at bakeries.
If I ever had to fight a bear I hope it’s a gummie bear.
[apiary]
ME: Are you the beekeeper?
BEEKEEPER: Yup
ME: Can I get some?
BEEKEEPER: Nope
ME: Is it because you k—
BEEKEEPER: I keep them
My biggest fears are:
-running out of chocolate
-running out of coffee
-running out of toilet paper
-running
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
[Walmart customer service]
ME: i want to talk to the manager.
MANAGER: hi sir is there a problem?
ME: no, i just want to talk.
I don’t know what base that was, but thank you TSA.
Burger King is preparing to introduce a new turkey burger. Pigeons are beginning to disappear.
[Coworker] Are you smiling at your stapler?
No, just checking for spinach [Laughs nervously].
Oh, good.
[Me, to stapler] Sorry baby I had to
I hate laundry, dishes, sweeping, mopping, dusting, fixing and fetching. The only logical conclusion is that I am descended from royalty.
My phone just autocorrected “Haha” to “Jaja” so I guess I’m Mexican now.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
The real miracle is how Jesus managed to book a table for twenty-six people on the night before the Easter holiday, and then only half them showed up.
I’m going to write a great tweet even if it kills me
The wife: write two in case you survive the 1st
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
I think my wife discovered that I opened a new bag of chips before the old one was finished. Just in case I suddenly disappear.
Took the batteries out of the smoke detector to use in my remote cause I would rather die in a fire than have to get up & change the channel
Pet peeve. Toilets that flush 4 me the moment I stand. I’d like to see the work I’ve done before it’s violently ripped from my view. #life
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
*texts* I need you, babe. Come over now.
[20 minutes later]
Oh hi! *holds out jar* Can you open this?
9 year-old attempts to follow a recipe:
“It says here to separate the eggs. How far apart do they have to be?”
People who buy copious amounts of everything before a blizzard: Is there nothing in your house every other day of the year?
if they go extinct, would they be goodbyenas?
My savings account has been empty for so long that a Spirit Halloween just opened up inside it
Has a coffee at 3:26 so I’m wide awake before the birds start their shit at 4:00.
If you’re going to gift a child a craft kit then you also have to do the craft with them. It’s the law.