WAITER: Would you like Parmesan cheese on your meal?
ME: Yes
WAITER: Say when
ME: Well now makes the most sense
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I did not ask for this, the TikTok algo is giving me overweight people whose spouses cheated on them with their apparently thinner siblings, followed by weight loss and reconciliation with their terrible spouses? I just want step-dancing videos ffs!
The trail I take walks on has about 25 yards next to a road so I run during that part because obviously.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
Hello, my name is Pierre.
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
***BREAKING NEWS***
Grandma is forced to dip into her freezer full of old bananas for first time in 17 years to make banana bread.
Overheard at the mall: “It’s 70% off plus another 30% off… that’s 100% off!”
choose your fighter(holiday edition)
Overpopulation? Ban coffee. Humans will murder the shit out of each other.
When I was in court I heard a Magistrate singing some Ed Sheeran, so I hired him for my Wedding.
But at the ceremony he did his own material and was terrible.
Which goes to show, you should never Book a Judge by his Covers.
Hey Twitter, you get a new comic EARLY
If you live in the same hemisphere that I do you’ve probably already heard me sneeze.
Never ever did it occur to me that in my forties, and as a mother of teens, that I’d be spending my time scolding my parents for leaving the house without my permission.
My son hasn’t clocked that his little sister has a birthday almost exactly 9 months after his. He was a complete bellend at his 6th birthday party so me and his mum got rotten that night and ended up making our lives even harder.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
[parole hearing]
“What will u do if released?”
“Kill everyone on the jury.”
“What?”
“Buy everyone jewellery.”
“Aw. Granted.”
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?
My dog stopped digging after I told him he’s just gonna end up in China.
My husband just called to ask me what aisle something is in because he won’t ask for directions in a grocery store either.
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
11:30 – Sit on toilet, open Twitter.
11:54 – Try to stand, fall to floor with numb legs.
11:55 – Get comfortable on floor, open Twitter.
*dog runs for president*
*dog sits for president*
*dog rolls over fo
* kids arguing loudly about which one of them is my favorite *
– dog & I exchange knowing glances and wink as I slip him another treat
thank god the sign was there
A letter home from Burning Man:
“My Dearest Martha:
I fear my vibe may die in this thing they call ‘mud.’ We’ve rationed the last of the freeze-dried mung beans, Pip left our soy-tuna packets in the EV and I nearly consumed a gluten. Pray for me, darling. Pray I return.”
Cancer: Expect a minor shakeup at work this week when you find your boss eating what’s left of Gary.
What if all countries have ninjas, and we only know about the Asian ones because they suck?
all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
[first date]
DATE: so you love dogs?
ME: yes, I relate to them very much
DATE: aww that’s swee-
[a fly buzzes my head and I try to bite it]