“Are u going to the circus?” is a perfectly good sentence when not used as a follow-up 2 your wife’s question: “how does my make-up look?”
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[watching my life flash before my eyes]
God: are you serious? how many times did you watch the office?
Walked into a spider web and did an hour of tai chi in five seconds.
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
My coworker doesn’t like me which is weird bc her husband does.
Apparently, autocorrect wants me to get my shirt together.
My son came home from golfing & took the longest nap. When he woke up, he said, “I took a total Dad nap. I’m going to make the best Dad!”
Something tells me his future wife will not agree with this.
[pitching movie]
“It’s Titanic…”
Go on
“from the iceberg’s perspective”
holy shit
The flintstones are proof that man lived with dinosaurs
I refuse to check my engine when the light comes on. It will only keep coming on for the attention.
You can put a human being on the moon but you can’t make a button I can secretly hit on my phone to make it ring & get me out of small talk? *glare* PRIORITIES, People. Make it happen.
The Martian, 2015: Matt Damon tries to prove how Irish he is by growing potatoes on Mars then leaving because he’s hungry.
[Putting on a fitted sheet]
Me: Dammit this is the short side.
Me: This is somehow also the short side.
*grabs knife, cuts forehead, lies on floor*
Wife walks in: “WHAT HAPPENED?”
“A burglar came in right when I was about to clean the house”
Warring nations should hurl their politicians at each other.
People stick up those “Baby on Board” signs as if their infant is somehow more precious than my 4-foot travel bong.
Sometimes, I worship the devil, but only to disappoint my parents. I’m not really invested.
My wife: Tell me your wildest fantasy.
Me: Clamping my dentist’s tongue with forceps and shining a bright light in his eyes while I ask him about his ski vacation.
My dad called me last night and said “I’ve been reading through your tweets and I hate to break it to you but there’s no way you can run for public office now”
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
how come some families are all, like, “our ancestry can be traced back to some of the most important people who ever walked the earth,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle chet.”
Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
8 and I just standing there existing
3 (irritated): I’m trying to eat
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
I wouldn’t know what to do with a member even if I caught one
I’m rabidly against plagiarism, but I guess if you’re going to steal something, a Columbus joke at least makes sense
[doing a crossword]
friend: what’s a 9 letter word for phony
me: baby horse
friend: no like fake
me: unicorn jr
It was the third time that summer they’d dug up her garden, and Barbara decided it was time to send the bunnies a message.
Oops
fool me once shame on you. fool me twice shame on me. fool me a third time this is a pretty good scam can i get in on it
Love it when people who don’t eat sushi cringe and ask, “isn’t that just raw fish?”
Like the waiter is going to bring you a bucket of trout heads and feed you like a seal.