Her: Make your own Pizza Rolls.
Me: It says: Not to operate heavy machinery while using this medication.
Her: It’s an oven not a forklift.
You Might Also Like
Stars! They’re just like us! Gaseous and dying
It’s 10:25pm and one of my kids just came downstairs and asked what’s for dinner.
I guess I need to start doing head counts from now on.
Can’t, I’m in big trouble with the wife. I put chips and salsa out for family and friends and didn’t use a Thanksgiving dish.
[sees hot girl in bar]
me: [takes wedding ring off] so… do you come here often?
her: give me back my ring
I may not have great parenting skills, but in my defense the kids don’t have great childing skills either.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Surely these children should be in bed by now?
– me, anytime after 4pm
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
I don’t care what color they are, if you have two socks, that’s a pair of socks
Ha, I told my brother that carbon had seven protons and he believed me. He was mean to me when we were kids.
Interviewed a Canadian.
She has a Canadian accent & boobs.
She’s HIGHLY unqualified for the job.
She’s CANADIAN…& BOOBS. I hired her.
My husband and I took our dog Ruckus ride and when he turned down a road with huge potholes I said, “ouch” and a few seconds later he said I’M SO SORRY RUCKUS, I’M TRYING TO AVOID THE HOLES!
I hope one day to find someone who loves me as much as my husband loves the dog.
[parallel universe where horses are the dominant species]
horse on a road trip: *pointing at me in my front yard* humans.
I caught my cat licking a bar of soap and I can only assume he’s a weirdo or he’s punishing himself for swearing again
first person to peel a carrot: this needs to be slightly smaller
doctor: *handing me newborn baby* do you have a name for him?
me: uhhh *looking around room* mop
doctor: it can be whatever you want
me: stegosaurus
doctor: hell yeah there we go
imagine an evil whale. you can’t. what would it even do
Trainer: Diet to hit your goal weight.
Me: Then what?
Trainer: Diet forever to maintain it.
Me: *heading to Pizza Hut* Nvm.
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
me: brush your teeth
my kids: how fricking dare you want me to continue to have teeth
I think playing Zelda gave me unrealistic expectations of how much of my neighbors’ pottery I can smash
Me: I have nothing to say
Also me: AND ANOTHER THING
My mom ran over my imaginary friend, Stephanie. I never told my mom because deep down I wanted Stephanie out of my life.
My daughter thought putting glue on her hands would help her walk up the walls, we’re both a little disappointed that it didn’t work.
That awkward moment when your girlfriend is looking up for a noodles recipe on your computer and opens a file called “Asian.”
Boss: “you’re fired”
Me: “I guess we’re just gonna have to agree to disagree”
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
Flying to China to meet my inflatable boyfriend’s parents.