Avoid the horror of watching your children’s nativity this year by using a condom approximately six years before you have to attend.
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Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
I called 5 a nerd and she started crying. When I explained it was a good thing and that I was a nerd, she started crying harder.
how about no fine and just a warning for the first offense
Some people see the glass as half empty.
I see it as the reason I have to pee.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Cheesecake Factory to start reopening restaurants but they will only have a limited 413-page menu.
ME: this isn’t curing anything
SNAKE OIL SALESMAN: no refunds
ME: *oiling my snake* i didn’t say i don’t like it
Twitter should come with a “MAY CONTAIN NUTS” warning when you open the app.
ME: *playing the piano*
WIFE: You’re a regular Van Gogh
ME: Why thank you, honey
{three days later}
ME: Wait a second
After years of the wife complaining about me wearing the same boring underwear I decided to surprise her by jazzing up my ‘lingerie’ collection.
So I bought a second pair.
Better “copulate” than “copunever.”
HER: A man at work saved someone’s life today.
*flashback to me finding a dollar in the laundry*
ME: I also have big news.
Meanwhile in Portland…
Spent a few hours hand sanding drywall and it always reminds me of my mentor Mr. Miagi who would say, “you’re no Daniel, now get back to work or I’ll beat you like a drum.”
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?
your body is a ghost factory that takes one lifetime to produce a ghost
I have decided to leave my past behind me.. so If I owe you money..I’m sorry. but I’ve moved on.
A candy wrapper fell out of my pocket and my kid picked it up and waving it around like a trophy, began an interrogation about where it was from, when I had eaten it, and what it was doing in my pocket. Isn’t it obvious that I stuffed it in there to avoid exactly this situation?!
Remember the good old days when everyone was going to hell in handbaskets instead of in flaming runaway mine carts?
The royal family has an opening for a prince and you better believe I’m sending out feelers.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
I was told that exercise helps with your decision making.
It’s true.
After going to the gym earlier I’ve decided I’m never going again.
My 5yo got a watch for Christmas and now she’s announcing the time every single minute. Please respect our privacy during this difficult time.
Why I’m no longer allowed to pick outdoor games me and the kids play
8yo: Gotcha, Daddy
Me: (in a huff from running) Ok, so I have to stay place, now?
9yo: yes
Me: So I don’t have to run around anymore?
9yo: right…
Me: SWEET
9yo: is this why you keep picking freeze tag?!
Her: tell me want I want to hear baby
Me: your order is on its way
Her: oh god, yes!
According to a recent survey, 100% of HR agree that I’m not allowed to take money out of the swear jar to throw at my co-workers.
Once I saved 10 kittens from a burning building and yes all the people died but look how cute they are
Me: did you know that the white lines inside of bell peppers are called veins?
Dracula: *glides forward* I von’t go vegan
Got fired from the call center for changing all the ringtones to “Baby Shark”.