if one member of the motorcycle gang has to pee do they all stop or does he just have to catch back up?
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cats are difficult cuz you want to cuddle with them and they’re like this uneven piece of plastic on top of the hard counter is more comfortable.
He died doing what he loved: meeting people on Craigslist to buy furniture.
So in conclusion, the zoo would not adopt my children.
Therapist: And what do we do when we’re feeling angry?
Me: *revving chainsaw*
Therapist: No.
I know for a fact that the devil exists because I have to pee real bad every time I finish chopping a jalapeño
You know you’re a parent when solitary confinement sounds like a reward not a punishment.
her: i’m a cat person
me:
her:
me: name one part of u that’s cat, Becky
i don’t have a lot of great life advice but one thing i can 100% tell you is don’t be the person sending angry drunk texts after midnight
If I don’t win Mega Millions tonight, I’m going to have to mend a lot of fences tomorrow.
Boss: How is the project coming along?
Me:*closing browser of sick kick flip videos* Totally rad…icalizing our sales data analysis, Sir.
Autocorrect changed ‘spice things up’ to ‘slice things up’ and now my husband won’t come to bed.
[lifts $1000 apple watch to my face]
Wrist computer: show me where hot dogs are.
Absolutely no one
Me (3 days later thinking): hmm he never argued against the fact that I said I weigh more than him….
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
*Running late
*Light turns green but car in front wont go
*About to honk when reads bumper sticker: honk if you love disco
*Is late for work
Text from FedEx: Your package will arrive last Saturday lololol
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
Mary: oh no my period is late
Joseph: oh no how late
Mary: I dunno, what’s the date
Joseph: hmm according to the calendar it’s 9 months BC
Mary: 9 months what now
Cookies from Best to Worst:
1. Chocolate chip
2. Girl Scout
3. Oreos
…
…
727. Browser
728. Tossed
729. Raisin
When a cop asks if I know why they pulled me over, I worry I’ll confess to a crime spree. That’s crazy tho, so I laugh and say, ‘probably because I let you’.
I only shave half my face in case that I get arrested so that they will have two different side profile pictures.
I saw a statue of Cinderella today. I didn’t like it, but I found the plinth charming.
Me: I’m the world’s most gullible person
Friend: really?
Me: well apparently not
How do horror writers compete with current events?
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
Remember when a guy was coming over to hook up so texted me “addy?” and I said “no thanks” because I thought he meant adderall instead of address so then he was just like “oh ok” and didn’t come over? I do. How could I forget
The guy I was hooking up with said that he’s moving next week because I made him realize how much this town sucks.
I’m not sure how to take that. Am I proud of myself or offended?
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.