Love when a cop car pulls up alongside of me and I start thinking of every bad thing I’ve ever done.
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Random woman in the store: What’s in your mom’s tummy?
5-year-old: A baby.
Woman: What kind of baby?
5-year-old: A human one.
Nailed it.
[to the secretary before I go in for job interview] “when the music starts, hit this button and that will activate the fog machine”
Whales are just primitive elephants that walked into the ocean and then kept walking.
*panicking* 3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3-3
Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
I bet you’ll watch the cell phone camera footage of this concert for years & remember the fun you had holding up a cell phone at a concert.
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Who were the kings of disco?
A) Gees
B) Gees
C) Gees
D) Gees
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
Squirrels don’t want to wear shoes no matter how cold it is I tell the emergency room physician
Wife: I can’t find my phone
Me: Want me to call it?
Wife: Sure, I –
Me: PHONE, HERE BOY
this guy on tiktok rated emergency alarm sounds from different countries and there’s no reason it should be this funny 💀
Read about a 60 yr old woman wanting to swim from Florida to Cuba & felt inspired & wanted to help so I emailed her a picture of a boat
I’VE SEEN SOME SHIT MAN
[Having a tea party]
Kid: *takes sip, spits it out*
Me: Oops, I gave you the wrong one! So sorry that’s Mommy’s “tea”
Hey…quick question, fellas:
Does it still count as leg day if you just shaved them?
1) Bake cake.
2) Don’t cut it into pieces.
3) Eat the whole thing.
4) Claim I ate “only one piece of cake.”
The look of dismay on my dog’s face tells me nothing is as unfair to dogs as when they’re chasing a bird and the bird flies off.
A dragonfly just landed on my face an I reacted the same way I’d react if an actual dragon had landed on my face.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
robber: alright everybody hit the floor!
me, wearing applebottom jeans and the boots with the fur: my time has come
me: wow Pokemon names are getting more and more ridiculous, don’t you think so?
taco bell employee: *nods* taco bell employee
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
sometimes i wish a great-grandpa or old uncle had left me a pocket watch i could take out & wistfully rub during these “trying times”
this is how it feels as a teacher when a student complains about school
My daughter wanted to know what I was protesting when I used to burn cds and someone just go ahead and take me to the nursing home
What wine pairs best with finding out my in-laws are staying a day longer than I thought
Ok, but like, how married are you?