The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
You Might Also Like
If my fingers don’t motion like scissors snipping when I ask for a haircut at the salon, how will they know what I mean
Doctor: That mule really kicked you. I’m afraid there’s some bleeding on the brain
Me: He gave me a bloody knows, LOL
I like my sentences like I like my women: awkward but with good colon usage and regular periods.
Told my husband that I was the prettiest girl in Walmart today and he replied “No offense sweetie, but I’ve been the prettiest girl at Walmart”
I’ve never been cut in half by a magician, but I have worn jeans on Thanksgiving. Same thing
If anyone wants to watch the Super Bowl on a 72″ 8k TV, come on over to my place (and bring a 72″ 8k TV).
Yog see woman
Yog ask woman out
Yog go on date
Yog fall in love
Yog act like an idiot
Yog get dumped
Yoghurt.
Sorry for laughing and pointing when you fell. I just thought clapping would be rude.
I hate that feeling after surgery when you’re not sure if you’re awake or asleep or if you operated on the right patient.
[Antiques Roadshow]
When this was first painted, the wolves were much further in the background. I would sell it before they reach the frame
[at the mall]
LITTLE KID: i’m lost
ME: you’re at the mall
when you wake up in the morning after you went there last night planning to break up
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
[tomorrow]
Me: I did not see this coming
Couch Potato: Do you think I’m fat?
Sweet Potato: I think you’re beautiful.
Baked Potato: Why do we have eyes that can’t see?
me:
my cat: i think we can all agree that it’s time for me to scream
I can’t wait to hear Billy Joel’s song about 2020!
14: Want to see what I drew today in Spanish?
Me: Why were you drawing in Spanish?
14:
Me:
14: …because I have no idea what my teacher is saying.
Scientists: The impending climate crisis will be the darkest most frightening episode in human history.
Me, who loves Netflix documentaries: Damn that’s gonna be good.
“I < 3 You” means I’m smaller than 3 of you.
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
Before my daughter went to college I made her watch her birthing video, just to remind her how badly one fun night at a keg party can end.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
[canadians at you, canadianly]
There’s a Beverly Hills restaurant so hip, it doesn’t have a name just a texture
I’m a PROUD bidet user, but it didn’t occur to me how losing power in 0° weather would affect the water temp. I think I just had what could be called a religious experience with that bidet. Like, I saw things.
Earth Day implies the existence of Noseth Day and Throatth Day
Boss – can you pass a piss test?
Me – Sure…distance or accuracy?
dude!! we are on the same team! get a helmet that fits.
If my kids & cat ever get abducted, I would have to admit to the police that I have a thousand recent pics of my cat, but, like, a school photo from last year of my kids.
If I ever visit Japan, the first thing I’ll do is run through those paper walls pretending I’m the Kool-Aid man.