Yelp review: Dating
You have to brush your hair and leave the house. Most places won’t let you bring your cat.
Would not recommend.
You Might Also Like
No, Store Security Guy, I’m not stealing anything
I just don’t know how to be in public anymore
due to the pandemic “following up” is currently suspended. if you try to “circle back” with me i will call the police
“Today I’m just going to wear pajamas all day.” – Hugh Hefner ever morning of his life.
“Sheer Arrogance”
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
I’m pretty sure Hitler himself would kill Baby Hitler, afterall he killed regular Hitler.
interviewer: your resume says you lose focus easily
me: yes
interviewer: yes what
me: yes please
I just found out that there’s a dating site for people with mullets and the people who love them. Lol! *looks over shoulder* *signs up*
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
On average, a person has sex 86 times a year. Apparently, this is going to be one hell of a week.
good for her
“We like the idea, we do. We’re just afraid it’s going to keep the viewer awake.” – Sundance Channel execs
Due to market uncertainty my wife asked if we should move around our money and I agreed.
I jiggled the change in my pocket.
scenes of unspeakable carnage
I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus: A Guide For Talking To Your Children About Polyamory
Will no one rid me of this turbulent poodle?
*painting your nails* one hand : perfect. other hand : looks like a blind cat did it.
Always.
(Click “gift options” for merch:
*turns up my TV to drown out the couple fighting next door
*hears the word “sex”
*turns down my TV
It’s not you.
Just the things you say, think, and do.
Why would I go see a scary movie when I can watch my husband using a metal spatula on my Teflon pan
Hot sauce has plenty of vitamin C! *slaps orange out of hand
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
[Bath & Body Works]
Me: I need a bottle of body lotion for my wife.
Clerk: These are Buy 3 Get 1 Free.
Me: I just need this one here.
Clerk: That’s not Buy 3 Get 1 but it IS Buy 1 Get 2 and if you buy this it’s Buy 2 Get 3 Free.
Me [leaving with 300 bottles]: how did this happen
nobody:
stick in the park:
6 y/o me: I will take it home
My kid said “don’t look at me,” and now it’s like my eyes are glued to her face and I can’t look anywhere else.
Well excuse me all to hell. I thought you’d be flattered with a mosaic of pictures of you at the gym. No, you don’t need to call the police.