[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
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DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
Can’t, my 1yo is taking me rock tasting
[stays up all night examining my issues and identifying which descriptors best express my feelings of dysregulation]
the second i get to therapy:
idk I just feel blah
Kid: Dad, what does ironic mean?
Dad: Well son, when 2 people decide to get married on Independence Day…..
[first date]
Him: So what do you do?
Her: I’m a meteorologist.
Him: Cool. I love meat.
Me: Everything ok?
My 4yo (in the next room giving the carpet a haircut): Yep.
Friend: What have you been watching lately?
Me: Zoom
I’m like American Cheese.
Krafty and oh so single.
Also terrible for you.
Me: Well hello again. I knew you’d be back. I seem to have that effect on people
Fed Ex: Just sign here so I can leave
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Funny how our parents used to tell us not to talk to strangers online but now that’s the only way to make friends at school
Me: You’re SURE you know how to cut hair?
Wife: I told you I watched a YouTube video
thank god Hinge doesn’t do a year end wrapped. I would have to walk into the sea with pockets full of stones
My hairdresser might not be a therapist, but he is a captive audience.
wild how someone lied about how they got pregnant 2000 years ago and now i have an air fryer
Just a thought. Why do trees get naked come Fall? They’re so careless too, just leaving their clothes everywhere
my 4yo sniffs out medicine in the popsicles, milkshakes and pudding we give him so quickly he has a promising career as a narcotics dog
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
*watching James Blunt mouth “not you” to me after singing You’re Beautiful in concert*
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done.
Me: *checking in mirror* But I still look the same?
Genie: yes, but just wait until you see everybody else.
[Taken Nemo]
*Clam phone rings*
Marliam Neeson: I have a particular set of gills. I don’t know who you are, but I will find Nemo.
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
In an effort to drink more water, I started taking a sip of water every time one of my kids yells MOM. So far I’m at 7 gallons.
I suggested some hiking trails for my ex, so I guess you can say I’m putting the path back in psychopath.
[phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u?
ME: Well…u know that shop where u saw that ring you love
W: OMG YES
M: I’m catching Pokemon near there
Dating: Your eyes hypnotize me
Married: Your eye rolls hypnotize me
Ever wondered why newborn’s clothes have pockets? They’re for their teeny tiny notepad & pen, so they can write down everything you’re doing wrong as a parent.
My mailman says all the letters he gives me are sent by “forces beyond [his] control” and it’s not up to him whether they contain good news or bad news… literally doing the ~~I’m just a messenger~~ thing in 2021 like I’m a clueless little child
Stop sending me this shit.
According to HR, the boss can come into my office eating a kebab when I’ve only had an apple for lunch
but I can’t throw my chair at him