Have you ever listened fo someone talk for a while and wondered who helps them put their shoes on the right feet?
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[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
It sucks you can’t google something happening in your life. What does my neighbor Derek do for work
Her [on phone]: I have to tell you something. Are you sitting down?
Me: Actually I’m lying in bed. Naked.
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me:
Her:
Me: This isn’t that kind of call, is it?
If you see a road sign that says ‘Survey Crew Ahead’, they do not want you to stop and answer questions. I know that now.
Truthful Tuesday: The last time I had sex, I was so excited afterward I fired my musket skyward, alerting the Confederates to our presence.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
partygoer: so your wife is a lifeguard
me: yep
partygoer: and you’re a tennis umpire
me: that’s right
partygoer: where did you two meet
me: tall chair store
Me: I won’t be in due to a VOLCANO
Boss: ..we live, in Florida..?
Me: IRRELEVANT
Boss:
Me: *opens 3rd bottle of vodka, puts on arm floaties*
It was my daughter’s turn to pick the movie the other night and I was not prepared for her to choose a yeti documentary
It’s not the end of the world. But at least it’s a start.
Me: Well done my good and faithful serpent
Wife: Do you have to say that every time you use the bathroom?
My current wife doesn’t like when I call her that
My husband is out w/friends & I’m at home w/the kids. I’m going to sprinkle Legos under the covers on his side of the bed.
*coworker stares at me as I unpack lunch*
Me: leave
CW: why?
Me: I’m never bringing a banana to work again, okay Todd!?!?
I decided to watch The Conjuring alone in a dark apartment and now I’m not allowed to make my own decisions anymore.
what could possibly go wrong?
Someone praising you is also someone being judgmental. The difference is that you like the verdict this time.
me: I’d like to work from home
hr: request deni—
m: but it’s government advice
hr: it’s simply imposs—
m: and these are dangerous times
hr: but you’re a train driver?
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
saw a guy at the airport taking a parrot in a cage on board and it’s like bro, why you spending extra money, it can meet you there
a god among men
Wife: don’t forget to pick the kids up from school
Me: it’s Saturday, they’re both upstairs
Wife: it’s Wednesday & we have 3 kids
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
I can’t tell if my baby is a slow clapper or is starting a slow clap to mock my parenting.
Unfortunately, the house having ‘period features’ turned out to mean we had to get the decorators in once a month.
If you don’t have a panini press just heat up your corduroys and sit on your sandwich. Why do I have to solve all the hard problems
PEDIATRICIAN: This could sting a little.
KID: Okay.
PEDIATRICIAN: One day the sun will envelope the earth and we will all turn to dust.
If I am ever killed by a koala bear, I hope whoever finds me just tells people I was killed by a bear
Just walked to the mailbox and the neighbor drove his riding mower into a ditch. I would’ve helped him out, but I wasn’t wearing pants.
I’ve made arrangements for my Twitter reply guy to deliver the rebuttal following my eulogy.