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There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
If you ask me where your glasses are, and they’re on your head, I will help you look for them forever.
my brain: eat
me: okay, what should we make
my brain: no make, only eat
5: Wait, chicken we eat is from DEAD CHICKENS?
Me: Well, yes.
5: So Chicken McNuggets used to be part of REAL CHICKENS?
Me: Well, no.
“Don’t eat the baby” is practical advice on Fat Tuesday and every day.
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Sometimes I purposefully dress my toddler in mismatched pajamas just to make my wife’s head explode.
WHAT IF LIBRARIES HAD POSTED MEMES IN THE EIGHTIES: a thread
Is this one haunted?
“No”
What about that one?
“Ma’am, none of the booze is haunted”
What kind of wine and spirits store is this?!
*stranded on a deserted island*
Message in a liquor bottle: BYOB
people complain a lot about the airport but i find it pretty hard to criticize a community that so strongly embraces breakfast pizza and sleeping on the ground
WELCOME TO GYM.
[5gp] WOOD MUSCLE //
[10gp] LEATHER MUSCLE //
[50gp] IRON MUSCLE //
[100gp] WISTFUL MUSCLE //
[999gp] DESOLATION MUSCLE
[job interview]
-Describe yourself to me in one word.
-poor
Twitter reminds me of what my grandpa always used to say, ‘Who are you people and what are you all jabbering about anyway?’
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it was served warm, it would be justwater.
Suddenly realized I forgot about the tea I made a couple hours ago, only to find I also forgot to actually make the tea
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
I very much doubt that actual military commandos go into battle without underwear on.
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
I once confused a tube of superglue with a tube of lube.
It was horrible.
My model plane kept slipping apart
If you walk in on a girl giving birth in the bathroom at Applebees, don’t judge her, you’re also eating at Applebees.
Hansel and Gretel is a timeless tale about the importance of killing old ladies.
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE
*going through airport security*
My brain: what if you’re secretly a drug dealer? What if you packed a gun you don’t own? Are you absolutely sure you didn’t accidentally fill your pockets with explosives?
Told my mom I was frustrated with my kid and she reminded me when I was two I flushed an entire box of tampons down the toilet in the Chicago winter and froze the pipes and honestly why is she making this about her?
[first day at seminary]
PRIEST: today we’ll be discussing judeo christian practices
ME: when do we learn kicks and takedowns
PRIEST: *rubs bridge of nose*
Seeing a woman drinking, smoking, and gambling while in her wedding dress makes me realize I need to up my multi-tasking game.
Looks like someone’s thrown Yoda through a window.