A huge thanks to the person that did this
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Looks like mommy just painted her fingernails… time to take a shit!
-my baby
I’ve got a bee in my bonnet, ants in my pants, and a meeting with an exterminator at noon tomorrow
You know, I didn’t need to find that poppyseed right between my front teeth immediately after I spoke to the kindergarten room mom for thirty minutes to keep me humble but I guess it won’t hurt
“Rethink this?” buddy I didn’t even think this the first time
All pigeons are stool pigeons if you stand under them long enough.
“Follow your heart,” as advice, is sort of like “abandon yourself to cognitive bias.”
I’m never more irritated by fashion than when I’m trying to stuff something in a fake pocket!
Me: {sobbing my heart out, eyes swollen, nose red) “I can’t see you anymore. I am NOT going to let you hurt me like that again!”
Trainer: “It was a sit-up. You did one sit-up.”
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
If I ever really want my kids’ attention I can just make a YouTube video of me “unboxing” whatever I need to say.
me: Hi it is nice to meet u. I am Jeff
date: Are u reading off notecards
M: Yes sex at ur place sounds gr-wait crap these are out of order
Anyone: “Hey, I’m close to your house.”
Me: “Get away from it.”
H: I’m so tired of people making lame jokes about going into labor on Labor Day.
M: *slowly pulling pillow out of shirt* same
I use a headshot from 2008 on my LinkedIn to prepare future employers for disappointment
Husband: We need to stop spending so much money.
Me: *fluffing the pillows on the dogs’ new paw patrol beds* not sure what you mean by that but okay.
Being trapped at Burning Man seems almost as bad as being trapped in a conversation with someone who went to Burning Man
At the end of my appointment, the doctor took her own blood pressure.
Me: It’s going to be a great day!
Life: Yeah, about that…
If anything happens to me, please use my Netflix account until it stops listing recommendations “Because you watched Coneheads”
GUY: I heard a pianist keyed ur car. What are u gonna do?
[flash forward to me hitting the pianist’s piano with my car]
ME: car his keys.
don’t go chasing waterfalls? the place where many video games hide easter eggs and other rare items??
On the next episode of “Unsolved Mysteries” my wife and I try to figure out why we don’t have enough hangers for the clothes we washed that were on hangers before we washed them.
I can literally trace the moment my career died back to when my boss said he was in back-to-back meetings and I said “isn’t face-to-face better”
6 – Dad, why can’t you give princess Elsa a balloon to hold 🎈
Me – Why?
6 – Because she will “Let It Go” 😂
Me – 😢
I’ve done all the cleaning and ironing but I’ve forgot why I broke into this house in the first place.
Mean Girls 2020: “Gross, isn’t that the mask you wore yesterday?”
My secret talent is pushing all your buttons and helping you discover new buttons you didn’t know you had.
There’s 2 types of people in this world, the people who proofread their Tweets, and the rest of us.
Whenever somebody asks me what my hobby is, there is a long uncomfortable pause and then I back away until I can’t see them anymore.
Pro tip: when you accidentally shrink your son’s favorite game day sweater, look him in the face, lie, and say he must be making huge gains at the gym.