Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
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If you’re tired of “food” and want to try something a bit more sophisticated, may I recommend “cuisine”?
DAD GUIDE ON HOW TO WATCH A MOVIE:
1) put on a movie
2) don’t watch it
3) read a book
4) every time something happens ask what happened
[panting, 5 minutes into sex] It’s okay, just go on without me
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
[standing at the threshold like a vampire] my sock has a hole in it
English Language: ‘I before E, except after C’.
Keith: That’s not true.
English Language: Don’t make it weird.
Keith: But you just..
English Language: Wow ur feisty this morning, someone hasn’t had their caffeine lol
That awkward moment when a zombie is looking for brains and he walks right past you…
Thanks to everyone who watched The Way I See It tonight. I appreciate all of your comments. #VOTETheWayYOUSeeIt
Time to go to the liquor store, I’m almost out of holiday spirit
Me: and then I visited ancient Egypt
1-up Carl: well I’m going next year so it will be even more ancient then
Me: shit
best review i’ve ever seen
I asked my mom what she wanted today and she said “she just wanted me to be happy,” so I’m on ecstasy petting a dolphin right now.
Lost in the desert, you scan the horizon with your device. To the east, you see the leaning tower of Pisa. To the west, you see the familiar pillars of Stonehenge. That’s when you realize you should have brought binoculars instead of a Viewmaster.
I’m not doubting that you’re 1/8th Pond People, but this is a research paper. You can’t cite “BOG WISDOM”
*replies to everyone’s subtweets
“I love you too baby”
I want a lady in the streets and a billion dollars
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
Me: I’m hot.
Husband: *turns on AC*
Me: I’m cold.
H: *turns off AC*
Me: I’m hot.
H: *jumps out of car*
it’s cool when my one dog shits the other one has to go and inspect it like “just as i suspected guys. it’s shit.”
The first rule of Minecraft club, is we do not talk about anything other than Minecraft!!
8-12yo’s apparently
16- *bragging about his mustache*
12- Mom’s mustache is way better than yours
Me-
A woman told me at dinner she liked me because I’m “not afraid to eat bread”–so I’m done with socializing for at least a year thanks
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
“Hey, it’s us. The cable company you already use. Just wanted to remind you that we exist with this pointless commercial on this channel that’s provided by us, the cable company.”
Restaurants: put your phone down. Live in the moment. Scan our QR code and browse our wares or starve
OKAY BUT WHY DID I NOT KNOW THERE WERE MORE PICS OF BIG CAT WITH PICKLE
Obi-Wan: it’s over, Anakin. i have learned how to stave off a mountain lion attack
Anakin: you underestimate my power
Obi-Wan; *raises arms above his head in order to appear larger, begins to scream*
If my coworker doesn’t stop asking questions on this Zoom meeting I will drive across town and slap his face on the call.
*opens camera app on phone*
*35 cats scurry under the couch*
if you’re a shakespeare character your chances of getting mauled by a bear while a clown watches are low but never zero