sometimes i tell myself “jessica you need to stop drinking” but then i remember my name isn’t jessica
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He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
me: I thought you would like it
grandpa: why would you think that
hospice clown: I should go
Me [being murdered in my home]:
“Can you take your shoes off?”
You know what I hate? People who say the secret ingredient is love.
NO IT’S NOT, SHARON. IT’S SMOKED PAPRIKA
I’d probably hike more if there was a lemonade stand every mile or two that served burgers.
“Please go play with your brother. That’s basically the reason we had him.”
I asked my wife how to turn Alexa off. She said, I don’t know, have you tried walking through the room naked?
Police Officer: ”Have you been drinking?”
Me: ”Yes!”
Police Officer: ”Step out of the car!”
Me: ”Why? You don’t believe me?”
I am extremely flexible & can lift my legs up while balancing in strange positions
Ooh yeah fellas, I can flush a public toilet w/out hands
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
BOSS: Wow you made a killing on your first day
ME: Thanks boss!
BOSS: *puts hand on my shoulder* that’s bad for a surgeon
Ways cats are like toddlers:
– They love unrolling toilet paper
– They eat from cat bowls
– They suck at doing my taxes
– Somehow they always find their way on top of the fridge
What did Yoda say when he saw himself in 4K?
HDMI
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I don’t want to brag but I can still fit into the same clothes I wore an hour ago.
God: Let’s give them the ability to feel remorse.
Satan: I like that. Say, from 2:00 – 4:00 AM?
[At dinner with wife’s friends]
Me: may I chime in
Wife: I swear to God if you brought your chimes-
*my bag dings a little as I unzip it*
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
My sexual fantasy is that I’m a pizza boy, and I deliver pizza to sorority girls and they can’t pay for it, so my boss lets me take all that pizza home for free
I never let people borrow my shoes, because if they walk a mile in them they’ll know how much I exaggerate my problems.
if you compliment a dude’s shirt, you better mean it, because that’s the only shirt he’ll wear out for the next five years.
Family vacation is when you listen to your kids cry someplace expensive.
Just overheard two coworkers knocking Scooby Doo for its loose plot holes and I told them that they’ll “never get away with this” and they didn’t get it.
[FIRST DATE]
ME (Struggling to make conversation): …tell me about a time you worked well as part of a team.
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
Yesterday I told my husband I was gonna get rid of all the kid’s toys because the house is full and today he told me I couldn’t buy any new ones, as if he thinks I meant it