Someone broke in to my house and stole all my lamps. I know I should be upset, but I’m delighted.
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Mom told me to quit calling the postman a mail escort.
I waited around all morning for the mailman so I could grab his hand through the mail slot.
Surgeon: We had to replace some of your blood but we had to improvise…
Me: You did?
Kool aid guy: OH YEAH!
Indoor water parks full of kids in diapers for when you want to catch a case of name that bacterial infection
Can’t afford rent so I started living in the moment.
THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO???? WHAT DO YOU MEAN THE HOT FISH FROM NEMO?????
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
8yo: *drawing family portrait*
Me: Hey, aren’t you forgetting someone?
8yo: Oh yeah. *draws Fortnight character*
Well, son, back in my day, we didn’t have a fancy robot to turn the tv on for us. We only had a boomerang.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
{Me as a police trainee}
COP: So whoever killed him—
ME: Or WHATever kil—
COP: Nope. No. That’s not a real thing. WHOever killed him… did it with something sharp.
ME:
COP:
ME: *Quietly to myself* Or someONE sharp.
If your cat brings home a dead bird and presents it to you, don’t be rude. Take a little bite.
Who named it “push-up bra” instead of “abracadabra” ??
other 21 year olds: going on dates, bein cool, having fun
me: trying to become friends w/ the birds outside my house by offering them bread
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
keep your circle small. bridesmaid’s dresses are expensive.
I just know I will die trying to pet something I shouldn’t.
Amazon review: Amazon river
⭐☆☆☆☆DO NOT GO HERE! Everything tries to kill you, plus they don’t even have free shipping.
But I really needed water water water
Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
*Throws all 900 baby items in garbage*
*Buys Magic 8 Ball*
*Whispers*, This is how we raise you now.
Me: I said you can’t eat candy.
4-year-old: I’m not eating it.
Me: I see it in your mouth.
4: I’m just storing it in my cheeks for later.
ME: I’m gonna kick the shit out of you
PATIENT: are you even a real proctologist
all i want is to be as happy as this potato
Pizza won’t solve your problems but you gotta try something.
Netflix plants your dna at various crime scenes while you are asleep.
forget tagging friends, i want to be able to tag my enemies
I can’t go to jail…
I have serious food allergies!
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
I was seeing a woman called Rosemary for about a year. Whenever I went down on her I’d sniff and say “ahh, I love the smell of Rosemary”. She mentioned it numerous times as one of the reasons we were breaking up.