“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
You Might Also Like
the only way to kill that french vampire is by stabbing him with a baguette, I said painstakingly
Can’t believe New Zealand are introducing a new flag just as I finished memorising the old one.
I like to throw bottles into the ocean with notes that just say, k.
* has cake for breakfast
* can’t finish afternoon run/calls an Uber
* blames running shoes
Him: Are you mad?
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typing
Her: typingHer: No, I’m fine, why?
The secret to brushing a toddler’s teeth is to play some music, use two toothbrushes… then have a good laugh at yourself for thinking there are any real parenting hacks
Learn from your failures. For example, I will never eat Cheetos immediately before a job interview again.
In store checkout behind beautiful woman in sleek black dress. She’s buying tequila and a quart of motor oil.
Sure like to know that story
A polar bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender “I’ll take a rum ……… and coke..” Bartender says “What’s with the pause?”
Polar bear says… “I was born with them”
Why can’t we have a civil debate?
– people who can’t even stay on topic
A man once asked me what autodefenestration meant. Avoiding the question, I jumped out a window.
[restaurant]
Waiter: Chicken?
Me: No I’ll fight you RIGHT NOW
I was just talking about how stupid it is that we don’t use the metric system like the rest of the world! 😂😂
You’re right. My money don’t jiggle jiggle. That’s the folds of my dad bod. Yea. They wiggle wiggle too.
Guy at Q&A when there’s only 2 minutes for questions: hi! First of all I just wanted to say thank you so much for sharing this amazing work of art with all of us, I can easily say we’re all honored to be able to see this film in such a great venue. Let’s give it up for the staff…
I’m just a regular guy going for a regular jog with a regular plasma TV being chased by the regular police.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
Yes, the 5:00 whistle! I’m so excited I’m going to yell a catchphrase of some sort and slide right down the tail of an unidentified dinosaur on my way to clock out!
They call me The Cat because of my hunting skills, my lightning fast reflexes, and because I run into the basement when I see the vacuum cleaner.
wife: “you promised you wouldnt buy anything stupid with our lottery winnings”
me: [covering penguin’s ears] “he can hear you linda”
“Swimming is dangerous, so I wear floaties on my arms for safety!”
[cut to me floating face-down in a pool with only my arms above water]
Opening dryer:
Me: where’s the left sock?!
Parallel universe me: where’s the right sock?!
Other parallel universe me: extra pair again! Thank you, sock gods!
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
I was laughing at these nerds for wearing their backpack over two shoulders instead of one, and they got so mad they jumped out of the plane
Somebody accused me of getting by on my looks today and I am going to ride this wave till the shore break pummels me on the sand.
You’re not “retaining water” Shannon, you’re retaining the 37 bottles of wine you drank since early March
I have no problem feeding my kid something that fell on the floor, so I get it, restaurant employees.
roman soldier: “jesus has been crucified as instructed”
emperor: “he is dead?”
roman soldier: “yes my liege”
[3 days later]
emperor: “dave, can i have a word?”
My husband told me the garage light would shut off within 3 minutes of shutting the garage door, and it’s only been 4 days, but I’m starting to think he might be wrong.
*full moon emerges from behimd clouds*
nno–nonono it cant be…RUN. FAR AWAY FROM ME. NOW. IM A– IM A–
*turns into bungalow*
IM A WAREHOUSE