[sees old friend after 4 years]
“God, you were so fat back in school.”
“Yeah, well I lost a lot of it last year.”
“No you didn’t.”
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I think the saying “every man for himself” was made up by women tired of making sandwiches
if you have an lgbtq phobic family member tht merely tolerates you. take them aside and explain how you have seen the light and are trying to be cishet. there are classes but they’re expensive–you want it to be a surprise to the rest of the family-so you need $8500 to be straight
Her: I thought you said you were ordering spicy food.
Me, choking on 14 churros: CINNAMON’S A SPICE
Toddler *at 8 AM*: Mom, I had zero candy today
Me: Is this a statement of complaint or achievement?
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
Can’t, looking for my glasses in the dark while wearing them.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
My favorite part of Beethoven’s 5th symphony is the rap battle 18 minutes in.
Facebook…because you need to get into a political argument with someone you haven’t seen since the sixth grade.
[sloth wedding]
“I”
[six months later]
“do.”
(Job interview)
“How would you describe yourself?”
I’m very vague
“Ok, can you be more specific?”
No
I eat the fortune cookies and never read the fortune. Ever.
I just have a thing for really bad cookies.
kanye is pretty mean for someone with yay in their name.
Dating in your 30s is just two people telling each other stories about how they used to be fun.
*tries to get in your pantries*
There is no typo here.
Moment of silence for the guy in Target who just said to his girlfriend, “that seems like a lot of money for face lotion.”
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
What is a magic bullet?
A. A theory about the assassination of Kennedy.
B. A fancy blender
C. A fancy blender that assassinated Kennedy
FRIEND: Women want guys who take charge
ME: ok
[later]
WAITER: [to date] Ready to-
ME: [shoves waiter and grabs notepad] Ready to order?
Just drank two 5-Hour Energy shots. Will I get 10 hours of energy? And why is that rainbow giggling at me? AndAHH MY SKIN IS ON INSIDE-OUT!
When one door closes, a child soon appears, knocking, asking for a snack.
I get why she built the pillow wall in our bed…but the barbed wire seemed a bit extreme.
I do NOT have a drinking problem. I use a straw so technically it’s a “sipping” problem.
It’s been 0 days since a member of family who claims to love me unplugged my phone to charge their own device.
Little kids cough like they are releasing demons into the world
I Photoshop paddington into a movie, game, TV show, or album until I forget: Day 715
*Brings a hammer to a thumb war.*
Whoever invented grass must be a billionaire that stuff is everywhere
I have social anxiety but am toxically polite. I faked plans to get out of talking to someone & then invited them to the fake plans.