Drive me up the wall, so I know you’re 4 wheel
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I have a degree in graphic design. It’s not real but it’s hard to tell. I definitely did a pretty good job
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
“I’m leaving you”
“why?”
“Your jokes are old and tiresome”
“but, I can updog”
“What’s updog?”
“NOTHIN, WHAT’S UP WI-”
*slams door*
[girl petting my dog] what’s his name?
[thinking about how women want to feel safe] seat belt
Why pay for therapy when the lady in the Starbucks drive thru window is willing to listen to you venti?
Some mistakes you only make once, like sniffing your kids’ clothes to see if they’re dirty or clean
When you finally remember to take your reusable bags into the store and walk in with that swagger like look at me all saving the world and shit
Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
[calls work] I’m sorry I can’t come into work today
“is everything alright?”
[getting owned in an argument on YouTube] no
Chicken bread
hey boy 😉 is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see m- oh, it is a gu- yes i will open the cash register
Had this weird dream last night that I was Superman, but I was only able to fly really low to the ground because I’m chubby.
King: You name me madman, despot, tyrant. But how much blood stains YOUR hands, boy? They will hate you as they hated me. Do it then. If you would strike me down and claim my throne, do it! Do it and be done!
*raising sword*
Burger Prince: Very well, father. Have it your way.
Zombies..stay away from junk people or you’ll gain a shit-ton of weight.
Why are there never any cool side affects from drugs?
Like “this drug may cause severe sexiness”
Sharon I have some bad news
4-year-old: What does God smell like?
Me:
4-year-old:
Me: Nachos.
4-year-old: With cheese?
HER: your phone is exacerbating our problems
*i pick up my phone*
HER: your behavior is untenable
“hold on I’m still googling exacerbate”
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
A cop just pulled me over — asking if I knew my tail light was out? I said, ‘Uh uh. I drive on the inside of my car’
Car just drove through the front of my house, because he forgot his corrective lenses. It was a bad case of contactless delivery.
it’s fun to yell CHEESE! at a group of girls and watch them switch to their Facebook Poses
I wonder if the dinosaurs were this goofy when they had their extinction level event.
Teen made a complicated dinner
16yo proudly: Let me show you!
Kitchen just as proud: Let me show you too!
first date idea we go to marriage counseling
I love secret agent movies. You can never tell they’re hiding in plain sight because they are wearing all black and talking to themselves
I’ve folded seven page corners of the book I’m reading. That’s 49 in dog ears.
I enjoy romantic scrolls up and down your timeline.