I’ve got 11 lava lamps and every time a girl comes back to my place, she leaves almost immediately. I need more. 14 lava lamps.
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[Ancient Egypt job centre]
– Name?
“Ankhesenamun”
– How do you spell that?
“Reed comb water Ankh, bendy straw water shitting priest”
If my husband bought a creepy, decrepit house in the middle of nowhere to give us a “fresh start” and the evil spirit inhabiting it tried to possess me, he’d never hear the end of it.
9-year-old: Why do we have to dress up for church?
Me: To show God we have our act together.
9: But he knows we’re lying.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
My 4yo told me he had a dream that I had another baby and now I’m retracting my statement that I want all his dreams to come true.
Me: What’s for dinner?
Wife: I don’t know what you’re eating but I just had virgin cheesesteaks.
Me: What?
*glance in the trash to see 2 empty bags of cheese*
Me: You may have a problem
When someone is arguing on twitter with a private account
People ask if I’m worried about growing a third arm after getting the vaccine and honestly I could use more hands.
This grocery store is playing “Freebird” which I interpret as an invitation to shoplift a turkey.
Them: you smell so good what is that?
Me: bleach
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
having a bad day today. 😔 can everyone please send cute pictures of their banking app login info.
[Zoom call]
Boss: What do you think?
Me: [going to the bathroom]
Boss: Can you hear me?
Me: [getting another beer]
Boss: I think he’s on mute.
Me: [getting chips]
Boss: Hello?
Me: sorry I was on mute
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
MySpace just bought a pack of Ramen noodles.
Where did you come from, where did you go?
Where did you come from
I love the way everyone who uses hand sanitizer looks like they’re hatching some kind of evil plan.
my old drug dealer from college texted me today asking if i wanted to buy. i’m sorry, sir, i do adult drugs now not college drugs.
Bathe your child in lavender soap before bed so you’re both nice and relaxed before you lose your mind when they won’t go to sleep.
people act so amazed at shroedingers cat being alive and dead at the same time as if they’ve never met someone who works customer service
My sleeping pills say don’t mix with alcohol, but drop it in the glass and it dissolves just fine. Doctors think they know everything.
Why call it a couple getting into a dispute into a hardware store rather than “We’ve turned this Home Depot into a House Depot.”
When I die I want to be cremated and blown in the faces of my enemies
I’m going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant tonight and my husband texted me the menu so I can “plan all my questions for the waiter in advance.”
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Them: dial 911!
Me: this thing can make calls?
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Felt bad about hitting a car yesterday but I remembered to leave a note. Didn’t have a pen so I used my key.