wtf is a larm clock?
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Sarcasm so good, they think you’re being nice.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
Nothing says warm summer days like choosing between drinking a bottle of ice-cold kombucha or ranch
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
In an effort to make strangers more comfortable around me, I will now be kissing the hand of everyone I meet.
Looking for a date, he must
-be an alpha male
-not shave
-howl at the moon
-not eat all the dog biscuits at once
-ok I’ve been single for too long
Sure a sense of humor is important but marry you somebody who knows plumbing bc that’s forever.
7AM, Sunday: Just dropped the dog off at little league practice, walked the goldfish and flushed 8 down the toilet. I’ll get a new one so my kid doesn’t notice.
*takes sip of coffee* ..wait
Me: Don’t be mean to my friend.
Her: Your friend just broke in my door and almost strangled me.
Me: I said he was my friend, not yours.
british people be having sex like:
mmmm yes splendid ah indeed scrumptious carry on good heavens i’m arriving
Watching “Poltergeist” as a kid was scary af.
Adult me: Is all that covered under homeowners?
BOUNCER FOR A COOL BAR: password?
Me: Midnight77
BOUNCER: great *grabs a poster board collage* now which one of these doesn’t contain a stop sign
“Microsoft Word? I haven’t heard that name in years…”
fourth time’s the charm
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
At the store- I better pick up a can of black beans. I’m not sure if there’s any at home.
Putting groceries away- Shit, I already had 8 cans of black beans.
Are dinosaurs finished evolving into birds yet? Or will they become even birdier?
Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
Books are a total scam. All of these words are already in the dictionary. They’re just selling them back to you in a different order.
Game of Thrones, at its core, has always been a show about how much it sucks to be a horse
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
If I commit suicide, it’ll be for a shallow reason, like unrequited texts. But the note I leave will mention world hunger at least 11 times.
{After Eclipse}
Kid: Now can I stare at the sun?
Sorry I missed your call, the frogs had my phone again.
“Don’t move or she’s dead” was the last thing the wife heard before the husband started tap dancing.
LEONARDO DA VINCI: *on street corner* eeey girl! gimme a smile, girl! nah, not that big. make it cryptic, girl, like ‘what is she thinking’
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]