I left my Hoover in the garage and raccoons broke in and angrily destroyed it
I guess it’s true — nature abhors a vacuum
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Wow so when the little kid in “The sixth sense” says “I see dead people”, it’s an iconic movie scene but when I say “I see dead people”, I’m arrested for necrophilia.
Is it because I’m brown??
Don’t be so critical of the human race. This is the first time we’ve destroyed a planet.
No one shot Rick Ross – when you’re that big you’re BOUND to be hit by a random stray bullet now and then
Employees must applaud the planets.
shakespeare: murder most foul…
goose: what the duck did you just say?!
Every morning when my husband gets up for work I whisper, “You can just leave your money on the nightstand.” He doesn’t find it nearly as funny as I do.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
what if all high-voltage signs on doors are just a trick and there’s actually an extra woman’s bathroom inside…
“Spring is in the air” I proclaim as I hurl a Slinky at your head.
People always go, “Why can’t there ever be peace in the Middle East?”
We can’t even get FIVE DENTISTS to agree on a toothpaste. That’s why.
Me: you need to pick up your Legos
4: can I ask you something first
M:
4: how about you pick up my Legos and I play with my cars while you do that
M:
4: I think that’s the best plan
M: um, no
4: screams
Me: Got any baby aspirin?
Clerk: No, we’re out
Me: *Slides two aspirin bottles together. Plays Marvin Gaye*
Clerk: Sir–
Me: DON’T RUSH THEM!
Not a creature was stirring, not even a… oops never mind, the Aussies are up.
I’m just a mom, standing in front of my husband, trying to say something that I can no longer remember cause my kid interrupted us 75 times.
2 pacs of eminems for 50 cents? Man that’s Ludacris
When a millenial asks why everyone in old photos have red eyes I tell them they were too young to remember the great demon uprising of the 1980s.
It’s like my cat doesn’t realize my retirement plan involves him doing something interesting enough to be famous on the Internet.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Barista: Name?
Me: Lotta Sexhaver *wink*
*Time passes*
Barista: Got a latte for Virgin McLiar
I just accidentally said “I love you” when hanging up with the auto shop guy, so I’m just going to leave my car there and buy a new one
I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
I know Chernobyl like the hand on my back.
Why did it have to be the dog? I have the hubby insured for $1.5 million.
[preparing for a date]
me: what if she kisses me
roommate: you kiss her back, bro
me: ok
me: *thinking* but why her back though
4yo: I had a dream about u mommy
Me: I feel so special
4yo: I flushed u down the toilet
you want me to drink water. the thing that killed jack in titanic
Stand by me.
I need someone to blame for this air biscuit.
There’s no such thing as “fair trade” honey. Those bees are gettin’ screwed.
Someone told me they don’t wear a mask cuz their nose is too big. Give me a break. I wear underwear.
a psychic on the street just said “why don’t you come in for a reading sweetie” and without a beat I said “no thanks I can’t read” and I bet her psychic intuition didn’t warn her I’d say something that stupid