A college girl sends a text to her BF who doesn’t respond “Could this night get any worse?” unaware that an alien fleet approaches earth
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Clapping was invented by white people at concerts, because we have no idea what to do with our hands when we dance.
This is the last week you can threaten to cancel Christmas if your kids don’t do what you say; use it wisely.
The year is 2027. Voice to text is flawless. A young child points at a bird and says, “Duck”. His mother slaps him.
If your conspiracy theory doesn’t involve cats, don’t bother me.
-Can you describe the jellyfish that stung you?
-Yes, it looked like a lazy toddler tried to draw an octopus.
(Bar)
Him-Are you seeing anyone?Me-Oh yes.
[I wink at the weird clown that resides on the very edge of my peripheral vision at all times]
Is there a Chipotle-style restaurant but for oatmeal? Like pick your base and then add all your toppings? This isn’t a joke I think that’s a great idea. Could be called Chipoatmeal idk maybe the name needs work
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
In space, no one can hear you scream. Because it’s space, and everyone is on the ground. What are you even doing up there?
“Mr Bond I’m afraid your license to chill has been revoked.” “I thought it was a license to kill” “ok that’s part of why we called you here”
ME: someone gave me a cigarette at my job today
WIFE: that thing will slowly kill you!
ME: I know but at least I got a cigarette from it
I never finish what I start. I have a black belt in partial arts.
telling my wife that netflix is voice enabled and watching her scream “I’M STILL HERE!” repeatedly at the television has maybe been the greatest five minutes of my life
My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”
Watching a movie and this guy just shoved three dead bodies into a trunk and all I could think was, “That’s some serious storage. What kind of car is that?”
So my question to you is, do I have to start wearing New Balance and cargo shorts now?
[leaving theater]
me (drying my eyes): I hate movies where a dog dies
wife: that was a werewolf
me: but still
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
Me: “I’d like to return this lube because it doesn’t work right”
Walmart associate: “Ma’am, that’s hand sanitizer”
Person behind me: “I’ll take it!”
Kids, because why would you want to sleep on more than 6 inches of your king size bed?
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
When you get to jail, challenge the biggest, baddest guy in there to rock, paper, scissors in front of all his friends
ME: Is this the “new normal”?
SECURITY: No you always had to wear pants in the store
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
What if archeologists just matched the wrong bones and the t-Rex actually had super long arms
Of course, I’m an active listener. I walk away briskly every time you open your mouth.
Her: What superpower would you choose?
Me: *sweating* Definitely the USA or China.
Omg 🤣
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
I am interested in:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 making peace with the terror of being alive
I wish I’d gotten my affairs in order before I bit into this hot pepper.