Please. My wife. She’s very sick.
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Bottom line: parenting interferes with my ability to be lazy.
DATE: *sighs* You said you were a professional body builder.
ME: I am! I make prosthetics. Ha ha! And funny jokes! Wait where are you going?
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
My toxic trait is telling people I’m down for anything when in reality I mean not after 8 pm, food should be involved, and it also depends on the weather, the parking situation, and how tired I am
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
I need a device that connects to other cars Bluetooth so I can yell “WHY CAN’T YOU DRIVE” through their speakers
Apparently “working from home” means “dear God why can’t I stop eating”.
I’m exhausted from imagining a clean house all day.
We got caught Brian, just act normal..
If I ever correct your spelling you should just consider it a gift. Mostly a gift for me, but a little bit for you too
my friends when i can’t do basic math
due to personal reasons, i will be screaming into a pillow.
“I’m almost at the end of my childhood and pretty soon I’ll be a teenager”, my 6yo, trying to ruin my day, apparently
Somehow names of kids have gotten more outrageous and names of pets have gotten way more normal. If my wife texts “Kyle was a problem today” I shouldn’t have to wonder if it’s another kid from preschool or my neighbor’s cat.
Every group chat births a second smaller group chat without the annoying people, and if you think yours doesn’t, I have some bad news
I’m no political expert, but as far as I can tell the Republican strategy seems to be:
“oh you think BUSH was terrible?”
When we were kids our “get home” text was a streetlight.
My daughter stole and lost my good brow tweezers, and the only good thing is that now when I yell at her about it my brows look extra angry.
The Dow fell 500 points last night, indicating that the start of the Halloween season has investors spooked
Normalize calling a Stanley cup a sippy cup to piss your kid off.
Never fight a dinosaur, you’ll get Jurasskicked.
If you feel trapped in your body with no way out, just think about that guy in the middle of a conga line.
Me: I’m living paycheque to paycheque
Society: Maybe you should have gotten an education
Me: I’m a teacher
I walked into a bakery and asked the lady at the register if I could buy a bagel with cream cheese.
“Sorry,” she said. “We only accept cash.”
I believe that 1/3rd of the twin population is actually living as their sibling and don’t know it. Like they got switched during bath time and never went back.
Me: hey babe I got you something!
Wife: [from other room] it better not be that $400 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle I told you not to buy.
Me: [clicking in the last brick to the $399 LEGO Harry Potter Hogwarts Castle] no it’s something different.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
My office got a shredder, so now I have to buy a turtle costume to fight it on Monday. Work is hard.
I love travelling because I love to check if I have my passport every 3-4 minutes 🥰
I thought I liked salads…turns out, I like croutons and ranch dressing.