Men over 35 are terrible at sharing their momma’s secret recipe for her most requested dish.
And now we wait.
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Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
Earthlings are the most dangerous of all the lings.
Adam: Eve, you read the terms and conditions before using that Apple product right?
Eve: Uh yeah, totally
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
Hi I’m making some changes in my life if you don’t hear from me you are one of them.
School is much tougher for kids these days. Now when they don’t get their homework done they have to come up with an excuse like, “The dog ate my laptop”.
Whats O07s kink?
Bond-age.
Recipe:Add wine and cook out the alcohol.
Me: Whaaaaaa?
Friend: Ugh, this is going to cost an arm & a leg.
Me: *pats backpack* I’ve got you covered. The hospitals just throw these things out.
My girlfriend left a tampon at my apartment and idk where the left one is. Anyone know where I can get a single left tampon to keep a set here for emergencies?
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
I drive an extra five miles on my way home from work so I can access my mailbox from the drivers side.
* eats all the leftover pie I can’t fit in the fridge.
* starts “Practical Solutions” YouTube channel.
Always a bridesmaid, never a body at the bottom of a lake
I only say “I love you” to
1. Family
2. Lifelong Friends
3. Dogs that I met 3.5 seconds ago.
My son just asked me if bears are dogs or cats and I laughed for a second and then was like damn I don’t know buddy
I only studied genetics so I would know who to blame.
I always stand on the weighing scale naked to get the most accurate measurement. People at the gym need to calm down.
Not to brag, but I can cure my wife’s insomnia just by taking my clothes off.
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
Once I saw a post about someone setting up a snail habitat and they included empty snail shells in a tiny graveyard, in case mourning was an essential snail need
Treadmills:
The only thing worse than running, is running and going nowhere.
“I know you don’t wanna move so I said the realtor was coming today just to see if you’d try to ruin it”
[in kitchen dressed as ghost] I see
*gazing up at stars*
Her (whispering): is that the Big Dipper?
Me (a barista): actually the technical term for it is Venti Dipper
The life lesson I most regret instilling in my children is “never give up.” There are days when my ability to guess which random object my toddler is hiding behind her back determines if I’m late to work or not.
Wait. Why is it called ghosting? Ghosts stick around. THAT’S THEIR WHOLE DEAL.
Never meet your heroes. They’ll invariably disappoint you by asking a bunch of awkward questions about why you’ve been standing outside their house all night dressed as an owl.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
For Halloween I’m just going to put these on and lay down under a house.