as wedding season kicks off, please remember this truth: nobody in history has ever said “I wish that wedding ceremony was longer”
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Interviewer: what makes you qualified for the janitor position?
Me: I used to be on the curling team in college.
Me, dressed as Zeus: Release the kraken!
Son, *from his holding cell*: Just bail me out. Why are you like this?
I’m like Helen of Troy. Not in the sense of being breathtakingly beautiful, but in the sense of pissing people off and starting wars
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
When the police find my body naked and covered in chocolate, please tell them it was from a wildly kinky one night stand and not that I tripped over my cat on the way to bed with snacks
Don’t cry because it’s over. Cry because you’re just a head in a jar in some science lab.
Avenge me but only if it’s convenient.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
[First ever Snail Olympics that started 350 million years ago]
Millennial snail announcer: oh shit here they come
Good luck robbing my house. My home security system is LEGOs on the floor.
Jesus: I HAVE RETURNED
[wife & I arguing about who used the last paper towel or some other shit]
Jesus: OK I’MMA COME BACK LATER
Friend: Did you know most people mistake thirst for hunger?
Me: Really? Weird. Hey, are you going to eat that water bottle?
DAD: wat am i chopped liver
CHOPPED LIVER: [in this joke imagine choped liver is a sentiemt being] wat the hell is that suposed to mean phil
Me: Got any 7s?
Wife: Go fish
Me: *returns from Bering Strait a changed man* I watched the sea take my best friend to his grave. Got any 3s?
Cop: My informant told me where the killer is
Chief: Nice. Did he give you a name?
Cop: No chief *frowns* my parents did that
It’s so hot today I went to see the ex just for the cold shoulder and icy stare.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
*[at the sperm bank]*
I’ll have a cup of Joe, please.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
My signature move is to tell men that I can’t hear them because I have my headphones in when I quite visibly don’t have headphones in.
Hey, so I was working on an Excel spreadsheet and hit an unfamiliar function button and, long story short, now I am trapped inside it and all these numbers are mad at me
Her: what are you thinking about?
Me, thinking about the time I was drunk and chased a pig around the petting zoo: how much I love you
There are two kinds of people in this world, people that know things and people who don’t know how to use Google.
Single white female seeking a nice, respectful paycheck and 401k to settle down with.
I can still fit into the locker I was shoved into in high school.
Me: [my mouth full] I didn’t know you guys did edible arrangements
Florist: we don’t
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
“To each their own”
Translation ~ one of us is right, and well… the other one is you.