roses are red, violets are blue
*arnold schwarzenegger voice*
tell me who is your daddy
and what does he do
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IF UR DATING SOMEONE
AND THEY GIVE YOU GOOSEBUMPS
BUT THEY DON’T GIVE YOU FRIES
WHY ARE YOU TOGETHER?
I bought a toilet seat from Amazon and now they keep sending me emails asking if I’m interested in buying a toilet seat like I’ve got like 20 toilets in the mansion I don’t live in.
I don’t know what to do
SHARK—i bit 82 ppl this year
OCTOPUS—hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer hold my beer
If you watch COPS backwards it’s just a bunch of people overcoming miraculous obstacles to win free drugs
A gentleman never eats his soup by soaking it into his tie and squeezing it out into his mouth
Waiter: our chef’s special is a catfish
Me: *flips table* I KNEW IT
FBI: I can’t unlock my phone
Genius: is that a fake mustache over your mustache?
FBI into earpiece: Operation Twostache has been compromised
“Pass the joint.”
-Cannibals at dinner
Don’t wear pajamas in public. You don’t know who you might run into, like the person who saw you wearing them yesterday.
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
my kid thought that we eat kidneys and liver from humans
what scares me is that she didn’t care
My kids: ROAD TRIP!
My kids, ten minutes later:
[cavemen, having discovered fire, tentatively placing part of an animal carcass above the flames]
[my mother, suddenly appearing out of a time machine] You know you can do that just as easily in the air fryer.
M: Bless me Father for I have sinned.
P: You’re not even Catholic.
M: You don’t want to hear what I did?
P: Oh, I do. I’ve read your tweets.
A dog just came up to me to say hello and the owner dragged him off.
Jealousy will get you nowhere, pal.
*reading news story about how great some guy is* wow this guy sounds great *reading further* oh no, he’s a bomber and he’s dead
I’m not an asshole. I’m just a guy who won’t tolerate stupidity unless it’s coming out of the mouth of a naked woman.
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
A snake comin out the ceiling?! It can have the house
Autocannibalism is self-serving.
dmv clerk: please look at the camera
me: wait i’m not rea-
dmv clerk: done, next!
“The only thing we have to fear is fear itself, and being tagged in a super unflattering photo.”
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
I’ve eaten about half a case of Skinny Pop this morning. How long does it take to start working?
My husband gets me to scream his name by doing his signature move of not leaving any toilet paper in the bathroom.
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
If I say “last Star Wars” and u say “Actually you mean 3rd Star Wars! It’s a prequel!” I’m going to hit u with a fish tank.
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.