I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
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We say “life is short,” but really, most of us expect to die in old age. This expectation exposes our fear of death, not our understanding of life. Life doesn’t have a knowable length or a right length. It ends when it ends.
Cashier: So… you don’t want fries?
Me: No, I do.
Do one person every day that scares you.
Every Liam Neeson movie now is just him talking on the phone then killing people, right?
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
Hey i am sexy to you now
[back at work after being a stay-at-home parent for many years]
Me: alright, before this meeting starts, I want everyone to go pee. I don’t care if you don’t feel it, you need to try.
*stands on scale at doctor’s office*
*takes off coat*
*empties pockets*
*shaves eyebrows*
If you feel yourself getting sawed in half, he’s probably not a real magician.
Calling a movie “Psycho” ruins the surprise because you know there’s going to be a psycho in it. It should have been called “Normal, Maybe”
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
“Cole Slaw” because “Moist Cabbage” was already taken.
Man Derives Depressing Amount Of Pride From Hometown Burger Chain
> what do you want to be when you grow up?
[7 year old me watching Jurassic Park] a UNIX hacker!
*fast forward 28 years*
> So you’re still fixing printers then?
It’s so cold today, I just grabbed the first 2 kids that got off the bus.
They look like nice kids, the redhead seems a little feisty.
Alexa, find me a cat who’s hell bent on world domination just as soon as the weather picks up a bit.
My wife is not happy with some of the comments in the anonymous suggestion box I attached our bed.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
By the time you finish reading this tweet, you will be slightly closer to death than you were before.
I hope it was worth it.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
Me [being crucified]: my God, why have you forsaken me? *life flashes before my eyes* oh yeh, that’s why.
My signature move is getting drunk before anyone can ask me to be the designated driver.
I am not paying for a full year membership at the Y when I only need the pool long enough to hold one hamster Viking funeral.
When kids say they’re bored…
new parent: let’s go outside
seasoned parent: go clean something
This guy texting in metro besides me keeps covering his phone, like I care about his dinner plans in CP with his girlfrnd “Shona baby”
ME: I’m single and ready to Pringle.
CASHIER: I have never seen somebody buy that many tubes.
Sometimes I lie and tell my husband I spent $300 at Costco so he’ll stop talking to me.
I’ve diversified my investment portfolio by purchasing multiple properties*
*Barbie Dream House, Peppa Pig House, Gabby’s Dollhouse, Polly Pocket house
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
My kids, when I tell them, “Stop trying to talk over one another. If you each want to tell me something, tell me one at a time, so I can understand you.”